What I learned from the role plays in Family Dispute

Last November, I attended the “Family Dispute Resolution Course” (“FDRP Course”) in the Gold Coast. The course was conducted by Bond University and it ran from 12th till 16th November 2014. It was a small class consisting of about a dozen participants or so. By completing the course and successfully undergoing 10 hours of family mediation supervision, one can apply to register as a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner with the Commonwealth of Australia’s Attorney General’s Department.

The first 4 days of the course covered topics such as separation and divorce, child focus and child informed mediation, parenting agreements, managing family domestic violence in a family dispute resolution, intake and risk assessments. The final day (Day 5) was where we put everything together and apply what we have learned by participating in the role plays. There were  three role plays altogether. Each participant was given the chance to be the Family Mediator in one of the role plays while for the other two roles plays, the participants will play the role of either the husband or the wife. Even though, I have written and played a number of role plays but somehow the role plays here were different. In fact, it was quite an eye opener for me. Let me share with you what I have learned from the role plays:-

1. Emotions - as one would expect in any family dispute, there will be a lot of emotions involved. What made these role plays stood out was the fact that the role players played their roles really well. I mean really really well. In the role play that I participated, the person who played my “wife” had tears flowing, choking voice, etc. It was either the person was an excellent role player or perhaps, it could have touched a raw nerve somewhere. When you are faced with so much emotions, the whole situation or simulation became real. It gave me a deep appreciation on what family disputes are like and its complexity, especially when it comes to children. Like it or not, the nucleus family is broken irregardless of whatever parental arrangement or agreement that they may have in place. To me, having parental agreement is merely to introduce some normality into the children’s lives after the break-up and allowing the children to spend some time with both parents either separately or in some cases jointly such as on special occasions (for example, the child’s birthday). The tears which I have seen in the role play were real and it shook me up a little and it became even more apparent when I became the Family Mediator.

2. Cross-cultural issues - to me, they played an important part in the role play. Being the only person of Asian descent in the class and playing the role of an Asian husband with a Caucasian wife, I had the added bonus of seeing the relationship breakdown from a different cultural perspective. In fact, I told my wife (I mean my real wife, Jennifer), that I had the rare privilege of having two different Caucasian wives in one day! In the role play, apart from the glaring differences between the husband and wife as given in the script, I have also experienced differences that came out during the mediation which were not in the script. For example, the way that my Caucasian wife in the role play wanted to raise the child (the role player made this up as it was not in the script) was different from the way I wanted. That itself became an issue in the dispute even though it wasn’t in the script. As the argument became heated, my Caucasian wife broke into tears (the role player did a splendid job) and said, “I hate you because I love you!” I was dumbfounded and didn’t know how to respond. Because I did not respond, she said it again and added, “Did you hear what I just said?”. I responded honestly and said, “I heard what you said but I don’t know what you meant”. That brought more tears from her. To be honest, I really didn’t understand what she meant. It could be a cultural thing but to me, the statement sounded oxymoron to me. Anyway, that was my sincere feedback given at the end of the role play. After the end of the role play, the person who acted as the Family Mediator in her feedback said that the statement was such a romantic one and it would have pulled my heart strings. Well, it certainly didn’t pull my heart strings, but I didn’t want to say it as I could see that the role play had affected the person playing my wife.

There are many things that we can learned from these role plays and it certainly opened my eyes to many things. For example, it gave me a deep appreciation of those who are in mixed marriages. I admire their level of understanding and compromise that made those marriages a successful one. Of course, in the role play, I only know my “Caucasian wife” for a short while but I am sure in real mixed marriages, they would have gone through many trials and tribulations before they decide to tie the knot. The result of which is a happy and a wonderful family to cherish.

Negotiation and Communication Skills Workshop (24th April 2013) -Special Discount for readers of this blog!

Hello everyone! I will be visiting KL from 12th April until the 26th April 2013. I hope to catch up with as many of you as possible during that 2 weeks. During this visit, I will be conducting a workshop called "Negotiation & Communication Skills Workshop" at the Renaissance Hotel on the 24th April 2013. The organiser of this event is Crimson Logic. I understand from the organiser that there are still a few spaces left. In this workshop, I will be sharing with you some of the techniques in creating instant rapport. This is a practical interactive workshop. There will be role plays and exercises to allow you to attempt these new skills. I hope to see you in the Workshop. The organiser has very kindly agreed to give a discount of 15% if you mentioned that you heard about it through this blog! See you in KL and hopefully I will see you in the workshop! Cheers

Meeting Sir Peter Mooney

Dato' Dr Sir Peter Mooney and me

Yesterday, I had the honour of meeting and having lunch with Dato’ Dr Sir Peter Mooney. My father and I were very keen on meeting Sir Peter, especially after reading his book, “A Servant of Sarawak: Reminiscences of a Crown Counsel in 1950s Borneo”, a fascinating book about Sir Peter’s journey and life in Borneo. I will share a little more about the book later. My good friend, Catherine Eu (former Executive Director of the Bar Council) put me in touch with Sir Peter and we set a date for lunch at the Chinese Restaurant located at the Royal Selangor Club in Kuala Lumpur.

Sir Peter Mooney autographing his book

Now, you may be curious to know who exactly is this person, Sir Peter Mooney? Dato’ Dr Sir Peter Mooney is an illustrious lawyer being the co-founder of Skrine, one of Malaysia’s leading law firms and had served as the Attorney General of Sarawak in the 1950s. Sir Peter Mooney hailed from Ireland but was educated largely in Scotland. Being a brilliant student, he literally sailed through his education on scholarships  based on merit. Sir Peter Mooney had his first taste of Far East when he fought in one of the toughest battle in World War II in Burma. Sir Peter Mooney fought with the British Fourteenth Army under the command of General Sir William Slim (who incidentally became the Governor-General of Australia in 1953). After the war, Sir Peter Mooney continued his education and subsequently was called to the Scottish Bar. Sir Peter Mooney practised law for a short while in Scotland until he was appointed as a Crown Counsel for Sarawak by the Secretary of State for the Colonies in the United Kingdom. Being a linguist, Sir Peter Mooney managed to pick up the local languages such as Malay, Iban and Mandarin rather quickly. Sir Peter Mooney was subsequently appointed as the Attorney General of Sarawak and had faced many legendary opponents (Defense Counsels) such as David Marshall and Lee Kuan Yew. Many of the notable names which we frequently come across in history books such as Sir Malcolm MacDonald and Sir Anthony Abell were people that Sir Peter had worked with and were colleagues of Sir Peter.

Sir Peter's book - a good read

I found Sir Peter Mooney’s book, “A Servant of Sarawak: Reminiscences of a Crown Counsel in 1950s Borneo” a rather good read. The author’s style of relating his experiences and the thorough and vivid description of how the lifestyle of the people in Borneo at that time gives you a feel of the 1950s in “wild Borneo”. The readers could actually feel and see the things that Sir Peter had gone through in those years (perhaps not the same experiences he had but you get an idea). The author shared some interesting cases which he handled and made it even more interesting by adding some anecdotes here and there. The book is written in a simple style and easy to understand. This book is highly recommended for those who wants to know about the colonial times.

Dato' Manan listening attentively to Sir Peter's experiences in Borneo

With Datuk Mahadev Shankar (former Court of Appeal Judge)

The lunch was marvelous. I ordered a number of dishes consisting mainly of vegetables as Sir Peter is more keen on vegetables compared to meat. Joining us for lunch was my dad, Dato’ Abdul Manan Othman (former Cabinet Minister), Catherine Eu (former Executive Director of Bar Council)  and Puan Hendon Mohamed (former President of the Malaysian Bar). I have also invited Lim Chee Wee (current President of the Malaysian Bar) but he sent his apologies. During lunch, we bumped into Datuk Mahadev Shankar (former Court of Appeal Judge), we shared some jokes and had a few laughs and he had to go on his way to another function.

Sir Peter Mooney with a copy of my book

I brought along a copy of Sir Peter’s book and requested for his autograph which he obliged. After that, I presented Sir Peter an autographed copy of “Mediation Skills and Techniques” and a few memorabilia. Sir Peter Mooney is a great man and I must say that it is indeed an honour and privilege to meet you, Sir Peter (if you are reading this post) and hope to catch up with you again!

A story about "EXPECTATION" - keep well, Adam!

“EXPECTATION” - a big word which we normally use in training and sometimes in Mediation as well. Trainers and Mediators would asked the participants or parties, “What are your expectations for being here today?” This is a way of gauging the parties’ needs so that the Trainer or the Mediator can attempt to meet those needs. However, I am of the view that for the Trainer or Mediator to have a certain “expectation” of the participants or the parties may not be healthy. By having “expectations”, you are already forming a pre-conception of what is to take place. If the results are not up to the Mediator or the Trainer’s “expectations”, then the Mediator or the Trainer’s self-esteem and emotions will be affected. Let me share with you a story about “Expectation”.

Yesterday, I received a telephone call from Adam, an old friend of mine. Adam is a survivor of many life challenges. He survived a heart scare (went through angioplasty many years ago) and defeated cancer (he was in advanced stage and overcame that challenge). Once Adam went into remission with the cancer, he has completely changed his lifestyle. He exercises regularly, he watches his food intake and he is really a big fan of nutritions and supplements. Apart from that, Adam (like me previously) attends Zhi Neng Qi Gong (a form of Chinese energy exercise that increases your Qi (energy)) classes regularly. I must say that Adam look very well, better than I have seen for years.

Recently, Adam went on an extensive tour of China. He told me it was a very strenuous trip with a lot of walking and climbing. He enjoyed the trip thoroughly. When he came back,  he thought this would be a good time to go for a stress test since his health and stamina were at their peak. He made an appointment with the Medical Centre and went for the stress test. Adam “expected” the results to be flying colours in view of his stamina shown during his recent trip to China. When the results came back, the cardiologist informed Adam that he wasn’t too happy about the results and asked him to do an angiogram to explore further. Adam was disappointed but nevertheless, decided to do the angiogram in Sydney. Adam’s family has a long history of heart issues so Adam thought at worst, the heart issue can probably fixed by having another angioplasty. That was another “expectation” from Adam.

So, Adam left for Sydney and went to one of the best Heart Centres in Sydney. When he went for further medical tests and angiogram, the cardiologist had some even bigger news to tell Adam, something that Adam did not “expect”. The cardiologist informed Adam that he had five (5) blockages) and needed to do a by-pass. Adam agreed and has now recovered well and live to tell the story. All it took was just eight days stay in the hospital which included the two days stay for the angiogram and other medical tests.

One thing I learned from this story was that by having an “expectation”, Adam was already forming an idea in his head but fortunately for Adam, he is also a practical person, so he knew the reality of things. In case, some of you may be wondering whether it is worthwhile to take supplements, exercise, practicing Zhi Neng Qi Gong and eating right in view that all of this still happened to Adam in spite of him living such an healthy style? Well, let me state my theory on this. It is precisely this healthy life style that Adam adopted that prevented him from suffering the consequences of the blockages. It is also precisely this healthy style that helped Adam to recover so fast and so well. For all we know, Adam could already had this blockages years ago but because of his rigorous exercise and healthy lifestyle, he did not experience any symptoms and as a matter of fact gave him the extra boost and energy to do things that he wasn’t able to do before. So, let me say again, exercise, eat right, lead an healthy lifestyle and do not have too many “expectations” in life and you will live a long and meaningful life.

My visit to LEADR in Sydney, Australia

Me and Fiona Hollier (CEO of LEADR)

This morning, I had the privilege of visiting LEADR which is one of Australia's leading Dispute Resolution Organisation in downtown Sydney. I had a meeting with Fiona Hollier who is the CEO of LEADR for about an hour. It was a very fruitful meeting. We exchanged ideas on Mediation training and assessment. All I can say from the meeting is that we have got a lot to learn from our friends here in Australia. I presented a copy of my book "Mediation Skills and Techniques" to LEADR and in return I was presented with some wonderful souvenirs. LEADR is a non-profit organisation and you can learn more about it by visiting their website www.leadr.com.au

Mediation Skills Training Course at the Bar Council - 3rd Oct until 7th Oct 2012

Mediation Skills Training Course October 2012

Mediation - role play in session

Mediator "mirroring" one of the parties

"Mirroring" in action

The wonderful participants

Mediator setting the Agenda

Me and Faizal

Last week was a very busy week for me. I was asked by the Malaysian Mediation Centre (MMC) to be the Course Leader and the Lead Trainer for a 5 days Mediation Skills Training Course at the Bar Council, Malaysia. The course ran from 3rd October until 7th October 2012. The thing I like about the MMC is that they give you a free hand to run the course as you deem fit. I decided to rope my colleagues and friends to help me out in the Mediation Skills Training Course. All of them are Certified Mediation Trainers and like me, we are all doing it pro bono. We are not paid a single cent. All the monies collected from the Training Course go to MMC for the upkeep and the maintaining of the Centre.

The people who came and helped were Wong Lu Peen (she was there the whole of first day as she already had plans to travel to overseas the following day), Marcus Hwang, Tejinderpal, Puan Hendon (Tejinderpal and Puan Hendon have been helping me since Day 1 of the Course), Serene, Chan Kheng Hoe, Nacha, Sumathi, KL Choy, Tay Bee Choo and Christine Khor. Serene, KL Choy, Bee Choo and Christine are from outstation. Due to the spirit of volunteerism and camaraderie, they made the extra effort to be with us at the Training.

During the Training, Bee Choo (from Johor Baru) and Christine (from Penang) stayed at my place. After the Training on Day 3, I took Bee Choo, Jennifer, my father and our friend, Catherine Eu (former Executive Director of the Bar Council, Malaysia) to Jinjang (Kepong) to try this unique steamboat porridge dinner. Amongst the dishes was a plate of “live” prawns. The prawns were still moving and active. You have to literally and physically put the prawns into the pot of hot steamboat porridge. You can’t get the prawns any fresher than that. Without a doubt, the prawns were simply delicious. On Day 4, Christine Khor joined us from Penang. Catherine Eu invited us over to her place for dinner but we had a better idea, we asked her to join us for seafood dinner in Port Klang. We went to this place called “Klang Seafood” and had crabs, “sotong”, fried “hokkien mee” just to name a few. It was real fun having Bee Choo and Catherine over at our place.

When it comes to food, I digressed. Let us get back to the Training. We had a wonderful group of people comprising of senior lawyers, marriage therapist, psychologist and a medical doctor as participants. As Puan Hendon remarked in her closing speech, this Training was conducted in a different style compared  to the previous trainings. In this Training, we played games, had short exercises, several role plays and we showed seven (7) different video clips. The clips are fun videos featuring flash mob, baby laughing and also “gang-nam style”. We wanted to keep the Training exciting and lively for the participants. It was our intention get them on their feet and keep them moving. We even had a “set-up” sketch where my secretary, Michelle Martin played the role of the “rude lady” who kept on interrupting me while I was conducting the Training. It was all done in good fun with a specific purpose. If you want to know the purpose, come and join us in the next Training.

Besides having fun, the Training was also quite a personal challenge for me. On the last day, I had food poisoning and was throwing up. Later on, I discovered that a number of participants also experienced the same thing. However, as they say, “the show must go on”. I am thankful to Bee Choo, Christine and a few others who were constantly checking on me throughout the day. My thanks also go to Marianna Tan and Faizal who showed genuine concern. They are from the Malaysian Mediation Centre and have been a great help throughout the Training. In that Training, I also took my final bow as that was my final training given as a member of the Malaysian Bar. A lot of nice memories and I made a lot of good friends. Thank you everyone!

Mediation Skills Training Course at the Industrial Court - 18th -22nd Sept 2012

Distinguished participants

"Mediation Skills and Techniques" book presentation

The Malaysian Mediation Centre (MMC) conducted a 5 days Mediation Certification Course at the Industrial Court, Malaysia recently. It ran from 18th September 2012 till 22nd September 2012. The venue was at the Industrial Court itself in Kuala Lumpur. The trainers were Nacha, Meg and myself. Nacha and Meg did most of the work while I handled the topic on techniques or better known as “Dealing with Stubborn Behaviour”. I informed the participants that I intend to replace the negative word “Stubborn” with “challenges”. Why? Because challenges can be overcome! The participants were made up of the Chairmen and Chairwomen of the Industrial Court (“Industrial Court Judges”), the Registrar, the Deputy Registrar and the Assistant Registrars. They came from Kuala Lumpur, Perak, Sarawak and Johor.

The feedback from the participants was positive. I think most of them enjoyed the course very much. I wish I could share more techniques with the participants but because this  is a Certification course, there were a lot of grounds to cover apart from mediation techniques. As usual, the training would not have been possible without the support of the wonderful coaches like the ever obliging Puan Hendon, the ever friendly and helpful Tejinderpal, the witty Wong Lu Peen, Sumathi and a few others. For the record, the trainers and coaches were not paid. All monies collected go to the MMC fund.

Rachel Tan who is now with Thomson Reuters Malaysia (Sweet & Maxwell Asia) made an appearance with copies of my book. The Industrial Court bought seven (7) copies of my book to be distributed to the various Courts in Malaysia. Thank you so much for the great support. All of us had a great time and hope that we will be able to conduct more of these trainings in the future.

Looking from different perspective - A story about the Fruit Seller

While having dinner tonight, my wife Jennifer informed me that she bought some fresh fruits from the Ayer Panas Wet Market. There is a particular fruit stall that she visits when she goes to the Ayer Panas Wet Market. Each time Jennifer goes there, she hopes the elderly lady who runs the stall would be there. When I asked Jennifer, why is that? She informed that the elderly lady is a simple person. She always give a little more than you pay for. For instance, she will round off the figure to the lowest or when she weighs the fruits, she will just add a little more into your basket without extra payment. The elderly lady is a friendly person and gets along well with her customers. On the other hand, Jennifer described the elderly lady’s son as someone who is rather “shrewd” and very “calculative”. He will weigh and charge you according to the scale, right down to the decimal point. Well, there is nothing wrong with that but it gives the impression that this man is very calculative. He will also charge his customers right to the very cent.

This story actually got me thinking. You see, to Jennifer the elderly lady’s son is “shrewd” and “calculative” which made this person undesirable when it comes to the customers. The man has no mercy when it comes to selling fruits. He will charge his customers the maximum and make as much money as he can. To be frank, there is nothing wrong with that as he is earning a living but as far as empathy and customer relations go, he has much to learn. However, to the man’s family and relatives, he is a very good businessman. He earns “extra” for his family and he knows how to maximise his profits. Like they say, there are “two sides to a coin”. Everyone has his or her angle or perspective in a subject matter. Some look at it positively while another may look at it at a negative angle. In order to overcome this, we need to have empathy. In other words, putting ourselves into the shoes of the other person. A very important trait to have in Mediation.

I will now have to excuse myself to have my overpriced fruits. Have a good evening!

Stories about Assumptions - "You know you are getting older when........"

It is very common for us to make assumptions. Sometimes when we look at a person who is dressed shabbily, we would assume that the person could not afford to buy nice clothes  or if the person is quiet, we would assume that the person has not much to say. Well, those are just merely assumptions. We are just making our own conclusion by seeing what is on the surface. However, sometimes when we dig deeper or go further, we will realise that our assumptions may not be correct. So, how do we avoid making assumptions? Well, by creating rapport and asking questions. We should ask enough questions to make an informed impression of the person.

Let me share with you two amusing stories that happened to me recently. Both stories have a common theme.....”You know when you are getting older”

Story No. 1: The Waitress and the glass of water

One day, I was having lunch with a few friends who were much younger than me. After taking our orders, the waitress proceeded to get us some water. All of my young friends got a glass of cold water except me. I got a glass of warm water instead. I asked the waitress, “How come they get cold water while I got a glass of warm water?” She looked surprise and said, “I thought you wanted a glass of warm water”. Well, I certainly did not mention anything about warm water but apparently it was obvious to her by seeing a person with grey hair and looking much older would warrant a glass of warm water! What do you think the waitress did here? Well, she made an assumption. Of course, we just laughed it off but sometimes if the receiving person is sensitive, this may create an undesired confrontation. Therefore, to be safe, always ask!

Story No. 2: “Just a trim?”

When I was younger I used to go to the barber once every two weeks. Those were the days when I have really thick and black hair! The barber would often asked me whether I want the hair to be cut short or very short. The barber knew that I didn’t like to keep long hair. Well, times have certainly changed. Nowadays, I visit the barber once every two months. Yes, there is some money saving there but I don’t mind paying a bit more to return to the old days of long and thick hair (wishful thinking here!). My barber had since retired and returned to India. I would now go to one of those quick hair cut places.

When I stepped into the quick hair cut place, a young barber attended to me. I have not had my hair cut for more than two months (actually closer to three months). The young barber looked at me and said, “Just a trim, Sir?” I actually burst laughing and said, “Actually, I wanted you to cut it short but looking at things now, I think a trim will be fine”.  Can you see the difference between this story and the first story? The first story is about assumption while the second story is about facts. Yes, the second story is all about facts. The young barber didn’t need to make an assumption. The evidence is right in front of him to see. Therefore, he can safely say, “Just a trim, Sir” without offending the receiving party which was me.

Well, the stories above were written in good fun but it certainly gave me a new perspective of life. You see, we always assume we are still that young little boy or girl but in reality, all of us have grown, as all things in life should be. The person outside may see things differently from us but in reality, it brings you out of that fog and back into the real world!

Diffusing a tense situation - The Story about a Nurse

A few days ago, while eating his dinner, my father had a fish bone lodged somewhere in his throat. It was a rather unpleasant experience. It had a poking sensation and it became even more irritable when he drank or ate. He decided to use the traditional methods to get the bone dislodged such as eating small of pieces of bread and bananas. He even tried to flush it out by drinking lots of water but to no avail. Anyway, he thought he would sleep through it and see if his throat gets any better the next day.

Now, my father is a rather tough guy and he would not see a doctor unless it is absolute necessary. That Saturday morning, he wanted to see a doctor. We decided to take him to see an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) Specialist instead. The reason for seeing the ENT Specialist rather than a General Practitioner (GP) was that the ENT Specialist would have all the necessary equipments to remove the bone. As many of us know, Saturday is always a busy day in the hospitals and clinics. We decided to go to the Specialist Hospital early at 8.30am, hoping to be the first patient to see the ENT Specialist. When we reached the ENT Specialist’s clinic in the hospital, we were informed by the nurse that there were 17 other patients ahead of us. Wow! It was going to be a very long wait. In the hospital, there was another ENT Specialist whom I know for a fact is equally good as I took my son, Douglas to see him many years ago. Imagine our surprise when we walked into the clinic and there was not even a single soul around. Err.....that included the nurse! The doctor’s office door was unlocked and the clinic was wide opened with some files and computer on the table. I was quite uncomfortable as I did not want to be accused of breaking into the clinic or anything like that. Luckily, a hospital orderly walked in with some files and smiled at us. He noticed that we looked confused and assured us that the nurse must have gone to the record room to retrieve some files.

My father and I sat down and waited and waited but the nurse did not show up. I decided to call the hospital general line using my mobile phone to enquire the whereabouts of this mysterious nurse. The hospital operator informed me that she too, was trying to contact the nurse and was equally puzzled as well. The hospital operator asked me of my whereabouts. I told her I am actually sitting in the clinic waiting for the nurse. The hospital operator sounded rather surprise as to how I could enter into an empty clinic unattended. I assume that it is standard procedure to lock the clinic and the doctor’s room when the nurse leaves. Anyway, the hospital operator told me she will contact the “boss” (whom I assume is the Nursing Manager) to contact this particular nurse.

Ten minutes went by, still no show. I decided to go to the reception for further action. The man who was attending to me at the reception counter was a rather pleasant fellow. He made a few calls including one to the “boss” but no one could trace the whereabouts of the nurse. Finally, one of the departments called and said she was on her way up to the clinic. As I made my way up to the clinic, I bumped into a nurse who looked rather unfriendly and unpleasant. To be frank, very “sour” looking. I was saying to myself, “Please don’t let this be the nurse, please don’t let this be the nurse”. As my luck had it (again!), she walked into the clinic and I said to myself, “Oh, my God. Here we go again...” Her “boss” would have probably contacted her and this was going to be a rather challenging confrontation.

When I walked into the clinic, as expected, the rudeness became very apparent. I informed her about my father’s condition. Her reply was crude. She said in an unpleasant tone that the doctor would only come in at 9.30am, she said “You will have to wait”. I replied in a calm and pleasant tone that there will be another 10 minutes, so no problem as far as we were concerned. Then the nurse said, “We have a few other patients, so you have to wait”. For some reason, I felt that she was trying to get rid of us which was rather strange as we were in a way the doctor’s “customers”. I told her, “No problem. I wish the line could be shorter as my father was not able to sleep last night and it was causing a lot of irritation (I might exaggerate here a bit!)”. I told her that if she could put a fishing hook down and remove the bone, that would be wonderful. Suddenly, she burst out laughing with a blush and said, “If only I could do that, I will probably be a doctor”. Those few words which I said seem to trigger her in a positive way. She became very friendly after that. We chatted and she laughed. In case the readers are wondering, no, I am not flirting with her. I am just being pleasant and positive. I went back and took my seat while she made a few calls. After hanging up, she came to me and said that the ENT Specialist is currently doing his rounds at the wards. She has informed the ENT Specialist that the patient has been waiting a long time for him. She also informed that she would be slotting my father in so that he doesn’t need to wait a long time. The reason was that because my father was a walk-in while the rest of the patients were on prior appointments. Prior appointments get priority.

A few moments later, more patients began to show up. I was wondering whether the nurse was going to keep her words about “slotting him in”. Another 10 minutes later, the ENT Specialist came in. The nurse looked at me and smiled. She came to us and called up my father’s name as though he was there on a prior appointment. My father went in and all was good.

What can we take from this experience? Sometimes when the situation gets rather tense, we may get frustrated and would probably say some rather unpleasant words. What would that do to improve the situation? Nothing. The nurse will get angry and as things stood at that time, she was already angry at that time as most likely her “boss” would have contacted her. I showed empathy by describing my father’s pain (though I may have exaggerated there) but nevertheless, empathy was shown when I said the words, “.... my father was not able to sleep last night and it was causing a lot of irritation...”. Words that the nurse could relate to as she is only human. I chose to make the “removing the fish bone” as the main and common issue rather than her tardiness, rudeness and clash of personalities as an issue. I reinforced that issue by making a small joke and that did it. That broke the icy character and made her into a warm and friendly person....at least for that day!

Diffusing a tense situation - The Pepper Grinder Story

I am sure many of us have heard the saying “fighting fire against fire” or “an eye for an eye”. What does it mean? Revenge? Perhaps. Never back down? Maybe. Ego? Most definitely. You see, realistically if you fight fire against fire, how does that help you in that situation? The fire will just become bigger and that will result a lose-lose situation. Likewise, “an eye for an eye”, how does that help the situation? Both parties will experience unpleasantness. Of course, there are people who would argue and say, “at least I will get the satisfaction of my revenge”. Really? Initially you will feel that way but after time passes, you will find that you are no better than the other person. So, how would one deal with such situation?

To me, the best way to diffuse a tense situation is by doing the opposite. Most likely the opposite action would be a passive one. It is like “fighting fire with water” or “saving an eye to replace another”. Let me share with you two recent experiences I had in dealing with diffusing a tense situation.

Recently, my wife Jennifer wanted to buy a pepper grinder. She asked me if I see a pepper grinder in one of my shopping trips, please get one. Well, it so happened that I was at one of the shopping malls at Mutiara Damansara when I came across a shop that sells kitchen products. Inside the shop was a sales lady who had a rather unwelcoming and unpleasant face. I asked her whether the shop carried any pepper grinder. Without saying a word, she pointed the direction without a smile. I got the pepper grinder, paid for it and said “thank you”. There was no acknowledgement from her. She was unfriendly. The whole process was robotic. Anyway, I was glad that I got out of the shop and headed home.

When I got home, Jennifer and I tried to figure out how to remove the lid. I know, it is a simple task but you see, when it comes to kitchen appliances and related stuff, we still have a lot to learn. Jennifer asked me if I could return to the shop and enquire on how to remove the lid. Well, it looked like I had no other choice but to return the shop and hoping that I would get a different sales lady. I decided to visit the shop around its closing time, hoping that I would not come across that unpleasant lady. On that particular night, I walked into the shop and as my luck had it, the unpleasant lady was there at the cashier. To make matters even more interesting, like my previous visit, she was the only sales person around. I went to the shelf where the pepper grinders were kept. I took one as a sample and walked up to her at the cashier. She immediately took the pepper grinder from me and was about to check out the item when I quickly stopped her and said that I am not purchasing it. She looked at me with a frown on her face. I informed her that I already bought sometime ago. She stared at me with a disbelief look and said, “Are you sure you got it here?”. I replied, “I am certain. In fact, you were the one who attended to me. I am so sorry to come in at a time when you were closing. I do not know how to open the lid of the pepper grinder. My wife said that I am old and slow when come to doing such things. I will be grateful if you can show me how to open the lid”. I said those words in a calm and friendly tone. I looked at her and suddenly her facial appearance changed from being unpleasant to pleasant. As a matter a fact, I must say she looked rather sweet and friendly when she smiled. She said, “No, you are not old and slow. There are many people who have the same problem”. After that, she became really patient, friendly and chatty. She showed me how to open the lid. I offered to return the pepper grinder to the shelf but she stopped me and told me not to worry about it.

You see, it is important to choose your words carefully when you face a tense situation. If I said, “I have tried many times to open the lid but it failed....”. How do you think the lady would feel? She would think that I am trying to blame her product or I could be inferring that her product is inferior. However, when I said, “I do not know how to open the lid.....”, I am showing humility and at the same time admitting my ignorance without placing blame on anyone. That immediately got the lady’s attention and made her realise that we are all humans and none of us are perfect. If I had a big ego and challenged her, it will not be good for either of us. Both of us will be angry and very likely will be sulking the whole night. I have another story to share in my next post. Stay tune........

Health vs Wealth - A touching story about Empathy

In Mediation, we frequently talk about empathy. What is empathy? We normally describe empathy as putting ourselves in another person’s shoes. In other words, we try to identify the person’s feelings in order to have a better understanding of the person’s character and thoughts. Let me share with you a real touching story related by a friend not too long ago:-

This friend of mine whom I shall call Jack informed that many years ago his father was admitted to a private hospital for a serious ailment. His father’s condition deteriorated quite rapidly and by the third day, he fell into  coma. Jack’s father was wheeled into the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) and was kept alive by life support. Jack who was then in his mid 20s and being the eldest in the family was the sole breadwinner. The family didn’t have much money. Jack had to support his siblings who were still studying. Jack knew that the father’s prospect of recovery was grave. He asked the doctor how long more does the father have in this world. The doctor’s reply was rather shocking. The doctor replied, “As long as you can continue to pay the RM3,000.00 per day for the ICU and hospital charges”. Jack was in a dilemma. He called the government hospitals to see if they could accommodate his father. However, the government hospitals turned down his request as the prospect of Jack’s father recovering was very remote and it wouldn’t be fair to those patients who have good prospect of surviving and who needed the facilities.

Jack told me he didn’t know what to do. He sat down in the waiting room and cried. While closing his eyes, he heard a voice in him that said, “What would your father do in such circumstances?” In other words, put yourself in your father’s shoes. What do you think your father would do? Jack knew that his father was one of the most unselfish person he has ever known. Jack’s father would always put his family first and had often talked about providing a good future and career for his children. Jack said suddenly he did not feel guilty about the decision that he was going to make. That afternoon, Jack decided to take his father home. The whole family agreed and supported his decision.

The above story shows that if you put yourself in the shoes of the person and would really want to get a feel of the person’s reaction, you need to visualize that you are the person. Slowly feel the person’s senses and allow whatever thoughts come in feely. In Jack’s case, Jack became his father. Because Jack knew his father’s personality and habit, it was much easier for Jack to be in his father’s character. This is such a powerful technique that a German by the name of Dr Bert Hellinger used it to develop a very effective therapy called “Family Constellations”. For further information, please see (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Constellations). I have been to one of the “Family Constellations” and was very impressed with it. Seeing is indeed believing!

Using self assessment to gauge a person's level of confidence

I remembered when I was a student at the University of Southern California (USC), my Economics Professor by the name of Dr. De Prano had a strange way of assessing students. He would asked the students to assess themselves by giving themselves a mark ranging from 1 to 100 with 100 being the highest score. If the student gives himself/herself a low mark, say for example a 60 out of 100, the Professor will ask you a relatively easy question. If you answer the question to his satisfaction, he will give you the full 60 marks that you asked for. Sounds fair enough? However, if the student asked for a higher mark, say 90 out of 100, the Professor will ask you a difficult question. If you answer it to his satisfaction, he will give you the 90 marks but if you answer the question incorrectly, you will get a zero (0)! Most students tend to play safe and gave themselves 60 to 70 marks.

However, I remembered there was a student, a rather cocky fellow I might add, joined our class and gave himself a 98 marks rating. We were all stunned. The Professor looked at  the student and gave him a question which I thought was not that difficult. As a matter a fact, it was comparable to a question worthy of 60 to 70 marks. I was curious as to why the Professor acted the way he did. After completing the course at the end of the semester, I bumped into the Economics Professor and commented about being “unfair” and “taken for a ride” by him when he gave a rather easy question to that particular student. The Professor looked at me and smiled. He said when you enter the real world, it is not just how you answer the question but people want to see how confident you are when you deliver that answer or giving that presentation! That cocky student was confident enough to give himself a high mark and managed to project himself in a very confident manner. I thought to myself that was a good was of assessing a person’s self confidence.

More than twenty years later, I became an assessor for the Mediation Skills Training Course at the Bar Council. My duty was to assess the candidate and to determine whether the candidate is suited to be an accredited Mediator with the Malaysian Mediation Centre (Bar Council). Immediately after the assessment, the candidate will normally ask, “How did I do?” Some of my colleagues will be rather polite and inform the candidate, “let’s wait for the result” or “you will know soon enough”. As for me, I will reframe by asking them, “What do you think?” or “how do you feel you did?” I wanted to see whether the candidate is  confident or sincere enough to give himself or herself a fair assessment. When a person becomes a professional Mediator, you have to be confident or at least must be seen to be confident by the parties. Giving yourself a self assessment is a good way of improving yourself. We are not perfect. We do make mistakes but what it is important is that you learned from it and move on. A final note that I wish to add here is that the question I posed to the candidate after the assessment has no bearing on their grade, it was merely to see their reaction, that’s all. I think it is better that I made it clear here in case some of the previous candidates or future candidates are reading this post!

Thank you to all supporting bookstores!

MPH's Faizal giving the "thumbs up"

"Mediation Skills and Techniques" proudly displayed in one of the bookstores

I would like to take this opportunity to thank MPH, Kinokuniya and all supporting bookstores for carrying “Mediation Skills and Techniques”. I am currently visiting as many bookstores as possible to distribute “Mediation Skills and Techniques” commemorative bookmarks. Thank you everyone for making it happen for me!

Due to the positive response from the sale of the books, I am seriously thinking of writing a sequel or a follow up. What do you think?

Mock Mediation at the 8th National Employment Law Conference 2012

Wong Lu Peen giving an excellent presentation on Mediation

The Role Players

Role Play in progress

One of the hardworking people behind the scene, Amirah from MySeminars

I just got back from doing a role play (mock Mediation) dealing with sexual harassment at the 8^th National Employment Law Conference 2012 held at the Swiss Garden Hotel & Residences (27^th June 2012). The conference was held at the new wing of the Swiss Garden Residences which looked really nice and classy. The conference was organized by MySeminars. The organizing team was headed by Amirah Alkaff (I do apologize as I have forgotten to take a photo of her for the blog!) who had done a splendid job in getting more than 100 participants.

I was there rather early as I wanted to give the morning traffic a miss and it could also be a real challenge to find a parking space at Swiss Garden. Being early, I decided to go for the buffet breakfast at Level 6 of the Swiss Garden Residences. If you ever have the chance of having breakfast there, I would strongly recommend their “nasi lemak”, especially the “sambal” which is close to excellent. They also served pretty good coffee at the buffet breakfast. As for their egg station, I must comment that their omelette is one of the smallest omelette I have ever seen. I think they should use more eggs and add more ingredients!

The morning started with a presentation by my fellow Mediator and a good friend, Wong Lu Peen. She did a great job in introducing Mediation and talking about conflict management in the workplace. Lu Peen also took the opportunity to promote the Malaysian Mediation Centre and my book, “Mediation Skills and Techniques” at the Conference. Thank you, Lu Peen.

Immediately after Lu Peen’s presentation, we did the role play or “mock Mediation” called “Way to go, baby”. I played the role of Harry, the alleged sexual harasser while my other fellow mediators, Sumathi Murugiah played Sally, the victim and Tejindar Kaur played the role of the Mediator. Even though, we had the script but we made up our lines as we go along. Apart from making the role play educational, we also wanted it to be entertaining as well. There were a few laughs coming from the participants. I believe the participants enjoyed the role play. As this role play dealt with sexual harassment, I wanted to conduct a small test to see if the participants could trigger if I slipped in an innuendo or two. At the end of the role play, I told Sally (Sumathi Murugiah), “We have worked very well “hand in hand” with each other for the last 15 years”. Immediately when the participants heard “hand in hand”, there was laughter as those words immediately triggered the participants’ imagination.

The Conference was a good one and well attended. Congratulations to Amirah Alkaff, the other Amirah (whom unfortunately I did not get the rest of her name) and all the other team members in organizing a splendid Conference!

"Mediation Skills and Techniques" book launch - The Video

If you missed the "Mediation Skills and Techniques" book launch on 14th May 2012. You 

can watch it here. It is only 5 minutes long. Enjoy! Please leave your comment(s). Thanks.

The Launching of “Mediation Skills and Techniques”

The book launch held on 14^th May 2012 was a great success. We had about a hundred people who attended the launch. Mediation Skills and Techniques became a best seller on that day. The books were completely sold out. A number of guests were disappointed that they were not able to purchase the book on the day of the launch. However, the publisher Thomson Reuters / Sweet & Maxwell Asia managed to remedy the situation by handing out order forms and promising quick delivery as soon as the books are in stock. For my part, if you have received the book, please contact me at Seumas@MediationSkills.org and I will be more than happy to autograph it for you.

Speaking about autographing, the books were supposed to go on sale after the official launch, however, something amusing happened along the way that got the books to go on sale before the official launch took place. Immediately after the workshop, I was approached by Mahendran from Thomson Reuters’ marketing department to sign two copies of the book. One copy was to be given to Lim Chee Wee (President of the Malaysian Bar) while the other was to be given to Datuk Kuthubul Zaman Bukhari (Chairman of the Malaysian Mediation Centre /Chairman of the Asian Mediation Association) as token of appreciation for launching the book. As I was signing the two copies, I did not realize there was already a queue forming in front of me waiting to purchase the book. I was truly humbled by that experience to see so many of you supporting my writing career. Mahendran asked me whether he could go ahead to sell the book in view that Mediation Skills and Techniques has not been formally launched yet. Well, for logistic reason, I asked Mahendran to go ahead with the sale as there was already a line forming. I was most delighted to meet so many of you and it has been an honour and privilege to sign so many books on that day. By the time Mediation Skills and Techniques was officially launched, the books have already gone out of stock. According to the Publisher, this was one of the rarest moments as far as they can remember or perhaps the first time ever that the books were completely sold out at a launch! 

The programme for the book launch started right on the dot (the Malaysian time concept certainly did not apply here!). Rachel Tan being the ever gracious person accepted my invitation to be the MC for the book launch. She did a splendid job! The programme started with a short speech from Prakash Nagarajan who is the Business Development Manager, Thomson Reuters / Sweet & Maxwell, South East Asia who represented the Managing Director who was away at that time. 

Immediately after Prakash’s speech was my turn to speak. In my speech, I shared with the guests on what inspired me to write and how I believe in writing books which are easy to read and understand, simple and yet practical. I informed the guests that I do not believe in writing voluminous books and if anyone can even remember half of what they have read, that would have been fantastic. It was precisely for that very reason, I put in a lot of stories and illustrations in the book. It is my hope that the readers are able to relate to those stories and easily recall the techniques and skills when the need arises. It is easier to remember the story rather than the theory. At the end, I thanked all those people who have supported me and gave me unconditional love all these years – just to name a few, my beautiful wife Jennifer, my kids Ashley and Douglas and my parents.

Immediately after my speech came Lim Chee Wee’s speech. Chee Wee, the ever humble fella who had sportingly allowed me to pick on him during my speech started by saying “In consistent with my height, my speech is going to be SHORT!!!” Chee Wee gave a very touching speech saying that the Malaysian Bar will miss me when I move to Sydney at the end of the year. Chee Wee paid a small tribute to me by saying that when I leave Malaysia, I will be leaving a small legacy behind knowing that the book will leave a mark in Malaysia. Chee Wee urged me to consider to remain as a lawyer in Malaysia and also a lawyer in Sydney, thus becoming an international lawyer (hmmm…..sounds tempting but I am not sure whether the Legal Profession Act 1976 would allow it. I need to check on that).

The next speech came from Datuk Kuthubul Zaman who said that when he first met me, he was amazed that I could hypnotized people, however, at that time he wasn’t sure whether I would make a good Mediator. Datuk Zaman related some old and amusing stories and finally concluded that I have met all of the criterias (I am not sure what the criterias are now) that made me an excellent Mediator! Well, thank you for your kind words, Datuk. It looks like I got some big shoes to fill!

Then the highlight of the launch was the signing of the mock book cover by Lim Chee Wee and Datuk Kuthubul Zaman. It was a wonderful day for me. Many friends attended the launch. Some of them were my former school mates like Yip Chee Seng and my good buddies, Choong Tuck Meng and wife, Daniel Boon, Leong Meng Leong, Syed Annuar, Sharifah, Francis Chong, Mark Ong and Suresh Kumar. His Excellency, the High Commissioner of Singapore, Mr Ong Keng Yong and the Counsellor Mike Kuek were there as well. My fellow Mediators, Gunavathi, Nacha, Tejinder, Wong Lu Peen, Sivanesan and Sumathi were there to lend support as well. I have also invited the High Commissioner of Australia who unfortunately was unable to attend as he had a prior engagement. In view of my ties with Australia, it would have been nice if the Australian High Commission send a representative to the launch instead. Oh, well.....things happen for a reason.  

I would like to mention a special thank you to my good friend Yuen Wing Soon whom I regard as one of the top photographers in Malaysia for taking all the wonderful pictures. Yuen normally takes photographs of catwalk models. I guess by taking photos of me, it would be a great challenge for him, especially the touching up of the photos! As my wife said, even though the launch has been over for more than a week, my tail is still wagging!