How to deal with a person having "Passive Aggressive Behaviour"

What is “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”? “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” has been defined in Wikipedia as “indirect expression of hostility such as sarcasm, hostile jokes, stubbornness or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks of which one is responsible”. In other words, being “passive resistant” to what is expected or required by the person. Instead of being frank, honest or direct, the person will show his or her anger or displeasure by being sarcastic or even cracking improper jokes, usually targeting the person that the Passive Aggressor is annoyed with. An example here would be the “silent  treatment”. From my experience, I can say that I have encountered many times where  my loved ones just refused to talk to me until one of us breaks the ice. Were they demonstrating “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”? Perhaps, but fortunately for me most of the time, they would come to a realisation that it is rather immature for them to act that way and before you know it, they will cool down and end that “icy treatment”.

It was said that the cause of “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” may “stem from a childhood environment, where it was not safe to express frustration or anger”, thus leaving the Passive Aggressor giving hints of his or her displeasure. I must say that we, Asians, tend to demonstrate “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” more than any other groups. The reason could be because we were thought from young to express ourselves indirectly so as not to hurt the other person’s feelings. For example, if we want something, we would not say it directly. Instead we would tell the person a long story and hopefully the person will get the hint as we have been taught by our parents that telling the person directly will be rude and impolite. With that mindset, we also apply the same when we are angry or when someone hurt us emotionally, thus resulting “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”.

So how do we deal with a person who demonstrates “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”? My answer would be to “take the bull by the horns” - in other words do exactly the opposite of what a Passive Aggressor would do. When I did my training in hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) many years ago, I remembered a technique called “Speed Induction”. “Speed Induction” is quick way to get a person into a trance (provided that you have already built strong rapport with the person) where you basically “shock and awe” the person without the person even expecting it. For example, asking the person to place his or her hand on yours’ and then instruct the person to press your hand down as hard as possible. When they least expect it, drop your hand and then say the word loudly in a commanding tone, “SLEEP” and more likely than not the person will go into a trance. So by using that principle, you can apply the same to the Passive Aggressor. Of course, you do not ask the Passive Aggressor to go to sleep but rather you can start by saying the things that the Passive Aggressor has been avoiding. In order words, "shock and awe" the person. For example, if the Passive Aggressor refused to perform a task, it is not because the Passive Aggressor does not want to do it but because the person does not want to be told or ordered around. You see, Passive Aggressors  too have a lot of ego in them. By saying directly to the Passive Aggressor what the person refuses to say may make the Passive Aggressor uncomfortable and sometimes even feeling bashful. However, do not criticise or be rude, reframe if possible. For example, “I will leave it to you to do the job but with your experience and knowledge, I have no doubt that you will be able to determine the best software to run on this computer. If you need any assistance, please let me know”. By looking at the example, you will see that the Passive Aggressor was not criticised but instead the person was praised and at the same time, the person’s task was also defined with the expectation clearly stated by the client or boss. Everyone is happy including the Passive Aggressor. Remember, you may not be able to change a person from demonstrating “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” but you can definitely work with the person by showing empathy and dealing it in an effective and positive way.

Empathy with Action - my experience

In this post I will share with you a real story which happened to me in 2011. It not only involves a person having empathy but it also involves the person taking action based on that empathy. The action taken by the person is something that I will remember fondly for many years to come.

In 2011, my father undergone a major surgery at the Damansara Specialist Hospital in Petaling Jaya. At that time, I was practising law as a sole practitioner and I still vividly remember that when my father was admitted in the hospital, I had a matter fixed for appeal in High Court. Every few minutes during the hearing, I had to take a look at my mobile phone to see if there were any text messages from my wife who was with my father, my mum and my late aunt Ah Mai at that time. As many practicing lawyers in Malaysia would know that getting a postponement from the Court was a huge challenging task even for an urgent situation such as this. As soon as the hearing ended, I rushed out from the Court and raced to the hospital to be with my family. Even though, the opposing Counsel failed in his appeal but he was very gracious when he sent me a text message to wish me all the best and a quick recovery to my dad.

I got my then secretary, Michelle to inform the clients who called the office to inform that I will not be able to respond to them immediately but will get back to them as soon as I can. While in the hospital, I received a call on my mobile phone from an important client of mine who is a “Datuk” (a titled person in Malaysia or some people would equate the “Datukship” to a “knighthood” in the UK). The “Datuk” enquired about an important matter which I was handling for him at that time. I briefed him and he could sense that I wasn’t speaking in my usual tone. He asked if I am ok? I informed him about my father and he quickly informed me not to worry about his matter, that can wait. The “Datuk” asked me to look after my father and before ending the call, the “Datuk” informed which hospital was my father in and when I informed him, the “Datuk” quickly said goodbye and hung-up.

As many of us know, medical fees in private hospitals are very high and one will certainly feel the pinch if one does not have a medical insurance to help cover some of the costs. Let me say here that the “Datuk” was a long term client of mine but we hardly talked about our families, let alone my financial background. When the “Datuk” heard that my father was in a private hospital, I had a surprise when my secretary, Michelle called me the next day to inform that all the bills which were issued to the Datuk’s company, some as recent as a couple of days ago were paid by the “Datuk”. Apparently, he got the driver to drive all the way from his office (about an hour away) to hand deliver the cheque. Some of you say may asked what is the big deal about this since those are the bills that he needed to pay anyway? Well, the big deal here is that like in most big companies’ commercial practices, bill are normally paid at the end of the calendar month or sometimes may dragged up to a few months for payment to be processed. However, when the “Datuk” heard about my father’s condition and that my father was in a private hospital, he felt that I needed the money the cover the expenses for the hospital and medical, therefore, he empathized with me  and took immediate action to make all payments immediately. This may seem like a small matter to some people but to me it takes a bigger man to have  such gesture and that makes him a successful person he is today. Obviously, for privacy reasons, I can’t name the “Datuk” but he is a low profile and successful businessman and I can understand why his businesses are flourishing. 

Negotiation and Communication Skills Workshop (24th April 2013) -Special Discount for readers of this blog!

Hello everyone! I will be visiting KL from 12th April until the 26th April 2013. I hope to catch up with as many of you as possible during that 2 weeks. During this visit, I will be conducting a workshop called "Negotiation & Communication Skills Workshop" at the Renaissance Hotel on the 24th April 2013. The organiser of this event is Crimson Logic. I understand from the organiser that there are still a few spaces left. In this workshop, I will be sharing with you some of the techniques in creating instant rapport. This is a practical interactive workshop. There will be role plays and exercises to allow you to attempt these new skills. I hope to see you in the Workshop. The organiser has very kindly agreed to give a discount of 15% if you mentioned that you heard about it through this blog! See you in KL and hopefully I will see you in the workshop! Cheers

Health vs Wealth - A touching story about Empathy

In Mediation, we frequently talk about empathy. What is empathy? We normally describe empathy as putting ourselves in another person’s shoes. In other words, we try to identify the person’s feelings in order to have a better understanding of the person’s character and thoughts. Let me share with you a real touching story related by a friend not too long ago:-

This friend of mine whom I shall call Jack informed that many years ago his father was admitted to a private hospital for a serious ailment. His father’s condition deteriorated quite rapidly and by the third day, he fell into  coma. Jack’s father was wheeled into the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) and was kept alive by life support. Jack who was then in his mid 20s and being the eldest in the family was the sole breadwinner. The family didn’t have much money. Jack had to support his siblings who were still studying. Jack knew that the father’s prospect of recovery was grave. He asked the doctor how long more does the father have in this world. The doctor’s reply was rather shocking. The doctor replied, “As long as you can continue to pay the RM3,000.00 per day for the ICU and hospital charges”. Jack was in a dilemma. He called the government hospitals to see if they could accommodate his father. However, the government hospitals turned down his request as the prospect of Jack’s father recovering was very remote and it wouldn’t be fair to those patients who have good prospect of surviving and who needed the facilities.

Jack told me he didn’t know what to do. He sat down in the waiting room and cried. While closing his eyes, he heard a voice in him that said, “What would your father do in such circumstances?” In other words, put yourself in your father’s shoes. What do you think your father would do? Jack knew that his father was one of the most unselfish person he has ever known. Jack’s father would always put his family first and had often talked about providing a good future and career for his children. Jack said suddenly he did not feel guilty about the decision that he was going to make. That afternoon, Jack decided to take his father home. The whole family agreed and supported his decision.

The above story shows that if you put yourself in the shoes of the person and would really want to get a feel of the person’s reaction, you need to visualize that you are the person. Slowly feel the person’s senses and allow whatever thoughts come in feely. In Jack’s case, Jack became his father. Because Jack knew his father’s personality and habit, it was much easier for Jack to be in his father’s character. This is such a powerful technique that a German by the name of Dr Bert Hellinger used it to develop a very effective therapy called “Family Constellations”. For further information, please see (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Constellations). I have been to one of the “Family Constellations” and was very impressed with it. Seeing is indeed believing!