Stories on being "blindsided" and discovering a True Friend

A True Friend - Wee Keong and me (photo was taken in Sydney, 2014)

I am a fan of the US reality TV show called “Survivor”. One of the words which I often hear in that show is “blindsided”. Out of curiosity, I decided to look up the word “blindsided”. According to one of the interpretations, it means “to catch (someone) unprepared”. Oh boy! When I saw that, it brought back some memories of my childhood where I have been “blindsided” by my supposedly good friends. Let me share with you two of my “blindsided” stories:

Story: The Assistant Class Monitor

When I was in Form 1 (Year 7), I wanted to become an Assistant Class Monitor. I wasn’t interested to become a Class Monitor, I only wanted to become the Assistant. In case some of you do not know what a Class Monitor does, let me just say that the Class Monitor is like the Captain or the leader of the entire Class. Therefore the Assistant Class Monitor is just like the Vice Captain. The Class Monitor and the Assistant are usually voted in by the students in the class - a very democratic process. Being only 13 years old, I wasn’t shy to express my desire to become the Assistant Monitor and in fact, let all of my so called good friends know. Everyone that I met informed me that they would vote for me when it comes to the class election. One of my good friends went so far as to say that he would be nominating me and all of our other friends would raise their hands when it comes to the actual voting. Making a rough count of the number of votes that I should get, I have come to a conclusion that it will be an easy win for me.

When the time came for the election of the Class Monitor and the Assistant, I was pretty excited. The way the election was conducted was rather simple. A student would raise his hand, propose the name of the nominee followed by a seconder or two and once the nomination is closed, then the voting would start by a show of hands. There were a few nominees for the Class Monitor position and if I recall correctly, it was a rather close fight. When it came to calling for nominations for the Assistant Class Monitor, a first name was nominated then followed by a second nominee. I was looking around the class to see who would nominate me but no one raise his hand. I then looked at that supposedly good friend of mine who earlier informed me that he would be nominating me but alas, he didn’t even look at me as he was looking straight ahead as if ignoring me. Then someone proposed that the nomination be closed. I was rather disappointed. If I have lost the election, it would have been at least I tried but here, I wasn’t even nominated at all. All I could say is that I have been “blindsided” by my good friends. So, from an early age I learned that in politics, the only person you can trust is yourself as even your so called good friends can backstab and prove to be unreliable. Until today, I never got my answer as to why they didn’t nominate me at all. If they felt I wasn’t suitable to be the Assistant Class Monitor they could at least let me know rather than leading me on. Well, that is a “blindsided” lesson for me.

Story: Leaving for the US

At the age of 17, I left for the US to continue further studies. Before leaving for the US, my parents threw a farewell party for me in the family home. Many of my classmates showed up including those who “blindsided” me before. It was a rather fun and emotional night for me. Many of my friends gave short speeches, praising me and saying what a good person and classmate I have been and they would missed me when I leave for the US. Many of them even asked for my flight details as they would come out in droves to the airport to send me off on that day. Some of them were even saying that would be bringing placards and banners (I know, I know it sounds really far fetched but when you are 17 years old, you want to believe everything!).

On the day of my departure, my family and relatives were in the airport. While queuing up in the check-in counter, I was looking around trying to spot if any my friends were there but unfortunately none were spotted. As I was about to leave the check-in counter, I spotted my friend Tan Wee Keong (who is now a famous obstetrician & gynecologist in Malacca) standing there quietly waiting for me to complete the check-in procedure. I was deeply touched seeing Wee Keong standing there. Wee Keong has always been a brilliant student but rather reserve and quiet in class, so I didn’t expect to see him there in the airport. When I asked him how did he come to the airport? He simply replied he took a taxi from Klang to the airport which was quite a distance away. Apart from that, unknown to him that I know, it would also cost him a lot of money to travel in a taxi, especially for a young person. I was very touched with what Wee Keong did. He made every effort to wake up early, to look for a taxi to take him (him as being all alone) from Klang to the airport plus it cost so much to hire a taxi for a person who had just completed his secondary school education. My late aunt, Ah Mai was there and being a caring person  (which she had always been) immediately informed Wee Keong that  she would send him home to Klang and no need to keep the taxi waiting. What Wee Keong did was something that I would remember for the rest of my life. His sincerity, reliability and genuineness as a friend impressed me and received great admiration. I have shared this story with my wife and kids and often reminded them what a true friend is all about. You see, when it comes to choosing friends, I am no longer “blindsided”, my “blinders” are off and I can see clearly now. Thank God for that!

My take on a Holiday Romantic Movie

Well, it is the holiday season and one of my past times is watching those holiday romantic movies on the Hallmark Channel. Most of the movies are related to the Christmas holidays and they all have a common theme – finding romance in their life. One particular movie stood out for me, it’s called “Just in time for Christmas”. It stood out because it shows how omission and making assumptions changed the future of these 2 lovebirds’ life.

The storyline is basically about a female professor teaching in a small town college who has the ambition to become a famous writer and professor in an Ivy League school while the boyfriend is a simple guy that owns a coffee shop in that small town. Well, these two lovebirds were High School sweethearts. On Christmas Eve, the boyfriend felt that it was time for him to propose to his longtime but ambitious girlfriend. He had everything planned to a “T” with a dinner in an expensive restaurant (which is a big deal for a small time coffee shop owner). Right before the girlfriend reached the restaurant, she received a call from Yale University informing her that she has been accepted into one of the faculties and enquired when can she move up to New Haven, Connecticut. She was in cloud 9 and by the time she reached the restaurant and the boyfriend was in his bended knees and proposing to her, she rejected his proposal. She left the restaurant with the boyfriend chasing after her. She told him about the “good news” and the boyfriend appeared to be happy for her. She said she needed to move to Connecticut and that became a big blow to the boyfriend. Nevertheless, the boyfriend gave her the ring and asked her to keep it. The girlfriend was in tears not because of regret but rather more of feeling guilty.

Like all feel good Christmas movies, she met an “Angel” in the form of William Shatner who brought her to the future. In the future, she was shown that she became a famous best selling author plus a Professor at Yale University. When she went to her ex boyfriend’s coffee shop, she was surprised that the shop has expanded plus the ex boyfriend has opened another two outlets in other parts of the country. She also came to find out that her ex boyfriend is going to get married to a waitress who is working there. Naturally, she became jealous and wanted to woo her ex boyfriend but her ex boyfriend was loyal to the core to her now fiancée who is a waitress. However, the fiancée could see that the ex girlfriend’s visit had affected him. The fiancée told him to talk to the ex-girlfriend and seek closure. The fiancée wanted to be sure that it is she that he will be looking at in the wedding altar and not the ex-girlfriend.

When the guy approached the ex-girlfriend, they began to reminisce the  relationship they once had. The ex-girlfriend asked the one million dollar question, “Whatever happened to us?” The guy replied that “You pursued your dream and you have become very successful. I am truly happy for you because this is what you wanted” The ex-girlfriend asked, “Why didn’t you come with me?” His answer was a classic, “Because you didn’t ask”. The ex-girlfriend then asked, “Would you have come with me if I asked?” He replied, “Of course, I would do anything for us to be together but that is in the past as I have now a wonderful fiancée whom I am going to get married to”. Without giving away the ending of this romantic comedy movie, I will stop right here. The lesson to take away from this story is that, sometimes in a relationship, you need to take the lead or initiative. More importantly, do not make assumption or take things for granted. In this new generation, it doesn’t matter whether it is a guy or a lady that takes the lead, either one can do it, so long as they really care for each other.

In this particular movie (I know it is just a movie), the ex-girlfriend was thinking of herself and her future. She made the assumption that her boyfriend would not be interested in following her to Connecticut as he is an owner of a coffee show and the boyfriend is probably much more comfortable living in a small town. To her and probably a legitimate excuse to justify her leaving is that it wouldn’t be fair to him while she pursued her dream. On the other hand, her boyfriend felt that she didn’t care enough in the relationship to invite him to join her in Connecticut plus the boyfriend has what is called a “nice guy” syndrome. In other words, he was just too nice not to fight for the relationship but instead he was willing to let her go and pursue her dream. There wasn’t any exploration of options by the parties. Each of them just made assumptions and hoping the other party would take the initiative to save the relationshop. Some of you may recall an article which I posted here 2 years ago about my friend who lost the love of her life to another person because he was too shy to ask her to be a “girlfriend”. If you have not, you can read it here http://mediationskills.blogspot.com.au/2013/06/a-love-story-that-touches-ones-heart.html. Well, since this is the holiday season, I thought I would share with you my thoughts on a holiday romantic movie. Happy holidays!

Stories about Complacency (Part 3) - on relationship

Apart from jobs, relationship is one of the most important thing that needs to constantly work on. It is rather sad to see so many relationships get broken up because people are becoming too complacent and taking each other for granted. We always think that our spouse or partner will always be there for us, therefore, once the marriage or union has been sealed, we can go on and continue with our “single” lifestyle so to speak. There are some people who proceeded to venture into other relationships by thinking that if that relationship doesn’t work out, they can always have the option of returning to their spouse or partner. In other words, the spouse or partner will be “Plan B” in the relationship. This is clearly taking the spouse for granted. “Taking for granted” simply means being complacent. When one becomes complacent, one will stop working on the relationship which leads to a broken marriage or a broken relationship. Ultimately, it will be the affected spouse / partner and the offspring who will suffer from that consequence.

In Australia, it is a known fact that more than half of the marriages ended up in divorce. When I attended the Family Dispute Resolution course last year, I learned that the bulk of it comes from the Gold Coast which is rather surprising. Gold Coast is known to be a slow and relaxing place but yet the divorce rate (if what I have been told is correct) is the highest. Until today, I am still not able to find the cause of the majority of those divorces. If someone knows the answer, do let me know. When I made my maiden appearance in the Family Court of Australia, I was surprised to find that in the particular court which I appeared, the majority of the people who got divorced were people of Asian descents which again took me by surprise. Asians by and large value honour, integrity and pride in their family. Keeping and maintaining a happy and harmonious family is the ultimate goal that most if not all Asian families strive to achieve. When my family and I moved to Australia, my heart was torn between Malaysia and Australia and whether it was a wise move on my part to move permanently to Australia. You see, at that time I was at the peak of my career and just launched my book called “Mediation Skills and Techniques”. I was beginning to receive recognition in my field with offers to speak and conduct training coupled with an invitation to sit in a prestigious Government committee. I was very tempted but at the same time reminded of the words from a very senior lawyer friend. When this senior lawyer heard about my predicament, he asked me to go with the family and not to leave them alone in Australia. He told me that many years ago, he was in the same position as me. He has a lucrative law practice in Malaysia then and now. At that time (30 years ago), he successfully applied and got Canadian PR (Permanent Residence) for his family and him. Not wanting to leave his lucrative legal practice, he asked his wife and kids to move to Canada and he would visit them often. However the distance between Malaysia and Canada was far apart and therefore, he only get to see his wife and kids twice a year. He told me candidly that till today his kids and him are not very close because he has missed their growing years in Canada which he regretted very much. He said he could have ceased legal practice then and joined his family in Canada because he had enough funds to last him but the business side of things and his selfishness got the better of him. Till today, his wise words still echoed in my head. I too had the selfish thought of looking after myself and not looking out for the family but my friend’s words were too loud to ignore and I decided to forgo the chance of gaining recognition and reputation and be with the family. I can now say with honesty, I do not regret one bit. Making sacrifice and compromise are necessary to make relationship work and to overcome complacency.

Stories about Complacency (Part 2) - on the job

To continue from my last post. Let us look at complacency and our job. Can you still remember how excited you were on the first day of the job? You would have been extra careful and paid close attention to your job. However, the attentiveness and enthusiasm would tend to decline as time progresses. This is because we were becoming too familiar with our job and knew what to expect. To maintain that excitement and enthusiasm in the job, we need to constantly make changes and generate new ideas otherwise productivity would decline.

As some of you know, here in Sydney, I have embarked into new areas of legal practice, namely family and criminal law. I have moved away from my “comfort zone” of commercial and employment law practice. I didn’t realize that by moving away from this “comfort zone”, I have created a new exciting environment for myself. This has increased my enthusiasm, therefore reviving new interest in my work and setting aside my mundane routine. The next question people would asked me is that what would happen if one day I feel that I am getting too familiar or bored with these new areas of legal practice? Well, my answer is that unlike in my previous job, I am no longer in full time legal practice, therefore, getting myself familiar with these areas of the law will be gradual and thus, it allows the excitement to grow slowly. Ok, what about for those people who are in full time practice or doing the same thing, day in and day out, what is going to happen there? Well, when you are getting bored with your work, you have to take a break from your routine by doing something totally different or just take a holiday. You need to take some time to re-evaluate and see if you are able to improvise, innovate or generate new ideas in your work otherwise it is time to change your work routine or job. The world is constantly changing and so are we. In my next post, I will be talking about complacency and relationship.

Stories about complacency (Part 1)

One of the important lessons I learned in life is never be too comfortable or complacent. If we get too comfortable, we began to take things for granted and that will lead to high risk and even disaster. For example, when we do the same job for the longest of time, we will become too comfortable and start taking short cuts. If we are not careful, we may start making mistakes by letting our over confidence be our better judgment.

I remember when I was living in an apartment complex, the residents used to have issues with the hired security guards. When the security guards first started work in the complex, they were very strict. They would take down all of the visitors’ particulars and stopped every vehicle that entered the complex. After a while, the security guards were getting either too familiar (too comfortable) or bored with their job, they began to slack when it came to exercising their duties in ensuring the security of the complex. The security guards would sometimes omit in taking down particulars of visitors or would just allow vehicles to enter without stopping them. The security guards probably felt that they have seen all and by now would know who or what would posed a threat to the complex’s security. This can only happened when the person is too complacent with his or her job. I have suggested to the Management of the complex that it would be wise to consider changing new set of guards every 6 months. This way, the security guards would always be on their toes and would not easily fall into the trap of being too complacent. It is always exciting to do new things and the security guards would have the enthusiasm being in a new environment and working with new people. However, it is time to change once the enthusiasm and excitement die down. Complacency can be our worst enemy, therefore, we must know when to change when things are becoming too familiar or bored. In my next post, I will talk about complacency and job.

More emphasis should be placed on teaching letter writing in schools

In school, I was just a mediocre student. With the kind of grades I was getting in school, it makes me wonder, did I ever learned anything from school? Surprisingly, I did! I learned how to write good persuasive letters. During my school days, the teachers placed a lot of emphasis on writing letters. We started learning how to write letters in Standard One (Grade One). The teachers taught us to be creative and how to set up the purpose and the contents of the letter. The teachers also taught us how to use paragraphs effectively. In Malaysia, the students are taught to number their paragraphs so that it can be clearly seen. The reader of the letter will then be able to follow your thought process and see your argument moving from one point to the other.

In my later years, I found my “skill” in writing good, effective and persuasive letters have helped me tremendously in filing successful applications and generally, getting the other side to respond promptly to my letters. Strangely and embarrassingly I didn’t realize this until recently, which prompted me to write this post.

Last week, my daughter was lodging an application, so I asked her to prepare a covering letter to accompany her application form. When she showed me her letter, I found there was something not right with the letter. The letter was grammatically correct and there was no spelling mistake but somehow it didn’t look quite the kind of letter that I am accustomed to. So what I did was that I started making changes in her letter and returned it to her. While making the changes, I finally figured out why the the letter was strange. The letter was not written like a proper formal letter. It was written more like an email. Don’t get me wrong, the sentences were constructed perfectly without any use of short SMS language but the format of the letter was not correct. It did not state the purpose of the letter, no heading and it didn’t say the letter was from whom. By no means am I a perfectionist but there are certain things in the letter that cannot be ignored. It is my view that if one wants to be treated professionally, one has to project that image and yes, that includes writing a formal letter.

When I asked my wife and children whether letter writing is taught in school, they replied in the affirmative. However, it is nothing compared to what I have learned during my school days. When I was in school, there was a lot of emphasis placed on this topic, ie: letter writing. We learned proper letter writing from primary school right up to secondary school. Perhaps, I am from old school, but I feel that proper emphasis should be given to teaching letter writing. Believe it or not, it will help you in more ways than one when you go out to the working world. So, to all my teachers who taught me how to write a proper letter, thank you very much!

What I learned from the role plays in Family Dispute

Last November, I attended the “Family Dispute Resolution Course” (“FDRP Course”) in the Gold Coast. The course was conducted by Bond University and it ran from 12th till 16th November 2014. It was a small class consisting of about a dozen participants or so. By completing the course and successfully undergoing 10 hours of family mediation supervision, one can apply to register as a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner with the Commonwealth of Australia’s Attorney General’s Department.

The first 4 days of the course covered topics such as separation and divorce, child focus and child informed mediation, parenting agreements, managing family domestic violence in a family dispute resolution, intake and risk assessments. The final day (Day 5) was where we put everything together and apply what we have learned by participating in the role plays. There were  three role plays altogether. Each participant was given the chance to be the Family Mediator in one of the role plays while for the other two roles plays, the participants will play the role of either the husband or the wife. Even though, I have written and played a number of role plays but somehow the role plays here were different. In fact, it was quite an eye opener for me. Let me share with you what I have learned from the role plays:-

1. Emotions - as one would expect in any family dispute, there will be a lot of emotions involved. What made these role plays stood out was the fact that the role players played their roles really well. I mean really really well. In the role play that I participated, the person who played my “wife” had tears flowing, choking voice, etc. It was either the person was an excellent role player or perhaps, it could have touched a raw nerve somewhere. When you are faced with so much emotions, the whole situation or simulation became real. It gave me a deep appreciation on what family disputes are like and its complexity, especially when it comes to children. Like it or not, the nucleus family is broken irregardless of whatever parental arrangement or agreement that they may have in place. To me, having parental agreement is merely to introduce some normality into the children’s lives after the break-up and allowing the children to spend some time with both parents either separately or in some cases jointly such as on special occasions (for example, the child’s birthday). The tears which I have seen in the role play were real and it shook me up a little and it became even more apparent when I became the Family Mediator.

2. Cross-cultural issues - to me, they played an important part in the role play. Being the only person of Asian descent in the class and playing the role of an Asian husband with a Caucasian wife, I had the added bonus of seeing the relationship breakdown from a different cultural perspective. In fact, I told my wife (I mean my real wife, Jennifer), that I had the rare privilege of having two different Caucasian wives in one day! In the role play, apart from the glaring differences between the husband and wife as given in the script, I have also experienced differences that came out during the mediation which were not in the script. For example, the way that my Caucasian wife in the role play wanted to raise the child (the role player made this up as it was not in the script) was different from the way I wanted. That itself became an issue in the dispute even though it wasn’t in the script. As the argument became heated, my Caucasian wife broke into tears (the role player did a splendid job) and said, “I hate you because I love you!” I was dumbfounded and didn’t know how to respond. Because I did not respond, she said it again and added, “Did you hear what I just said?”. I responded honestly and said, “I heard what you said but I don’t know what you meant”. That brought more tears from her. To be honest, I really didn’t understand what she meant. It could be a cultural thing but to me, the statement sounded oxymoron to me. Anyway, that was my sincere feedback given at the end of the role play. After the end of the role play, the person who acted as the Family Mediator in her feedback said that the statement was such a romantic one and it would have pulled my heart strings. Well, it certainly didn’t pull my heart strings, but I didn’t want to say it as I could see that the role play had affected the person playing my wife.

There are many things that we can learned from these role plays and it certainly opened my eyes to many things. For example, it gave me a deep appreciation of those who are in mixed marriages. I admire their level of understanding and compromise that made those marriages a successful one. Of course, in the role play, I only know my “Caucasian wife” for a short while but I am sure in real mixed marriages, they would have gone through many trials and tribulations before they decide to tie the knot. The result of which is a happy and a wonderful family to cherish.