Empathy with Action - my experience

In this post I will share with you a real story which happened to me in 2011. It not only involves a person having empathy but it also involves the person taking action based on that empathy. The action taken by the person is something that I will remember fondly for many years to come.

In 2011, my father undergone a major surgery at the Damansara Specialist Hospital in Petaling Jaya. At that time, I was practising law as a sole practitioner and I still vividly remember that when my father was admitted in the hospital, I had a matter fixed for appeal in High Court. Every few minutes during the hearing, I had to take a look at my mobile phone to see if there were any text messages from my wife who was with my father, my mum and my late aunt Ah Mai at that time. As many practicing lawyers in Malaysia would know that getting a postponement from the Court was a huge challenging task even for an urgent situation such as this. As soon as the hearing ended, I rushed out from the Court and raced to the hospital to be with my family. Even though, the opposing Counsel failed in his appeal but he was very gracious when he sent me a text message to wish me all the best and a quick recovery to my dad.

I got my then secretary, Michelle to inform the clients who called the office to inform that I will not be able to respond to them immediately but will get back to them as soon as I can. While in the hospital, I received a call on my mobile phone from an important client of mine who is a “Datuk” (a titled person in Malaysia or some people would equate the “Datukship” to a “knighthood” in the UK). The “Datuk” enquired about an important matter which I was handling for him at that time. I briefed him and he could sense that I wasn’t speaking in my usual tone. He asked if I am ok? I informed him about my father and he quickly informed me not to worry about his matter, that can wait. The “Datuk” asked me to look after my father and before ending the call, the “Datuk” informed which hospital was my father in and when I informed him, the “Datuk” quickly said goodbye and hung-up.

As many of us know, medical fees in private hospitals are very high and one will certainly feel the pinch if one does not have a medical insurance to help cover some of the costs. Let me say here that the “Datuk” was a long term client of mine but we hardly talked about our families, let alone my financial background. When the “Datuk” heard that my father was in a private hospital, I had a surprise when my secretary, Michelle called me the next day to inform that all the bills which were issued to the Datuk’s company, some as recent as a couple of days ago were paid by the “Datuk”. Apparently, he got the driver to drive all the way from his office (about an hour away) to hand deliver the cheque. Some of you say may asked what is the big deal about this since those are the bills that he needed to pay anyway? Well, the big deal here is that like in most big companies’ commercial practices, bill are normally paid at the end of the calendar month or sometimes may dragged up to a few months for payment to be processed. However, when the “Datuk” heard about my father’s condition and that my father was in a private hospital, he felt that I needed the money the cover the expenses for the hospital and medical, therefore, he empathized with me  and took immediate action to make all payments immediately. This may seem like a small matter to some people but to me it takes a bigger man to have  such gesture and that makes him a successful person he is today. Obviously, for privacy reasons, I can’t name the “Datuk” but he is a low profile and successful businessman and I can understand why his businesses are flourishing. 

The "Satay Method" - using simple train of words

I am reminded of a story about how a simple minded person used simple train of words to “con” a “satay” seller. “Satay” is a very popular dish in Malaysia. It is similar to kebab with condiments such as onions and cucumbers served with peanut sauce. I was told that the quality of the peanut sauce is the main contributor in determining whether the “satay” is tasty or otherwise. Even without the “satay”, by just dipping the onions and cucumbers into the sauce would make a satisfying meal. The condiments are usually served without additional charge with the “satay”.

In those days, the best “satay” could be found in the “kampungs” (small villages). There was a guy by the name of Aziz who loves “satay”. Aziz was a simple person who lived in the kampung. One day Aziz was yearning for some good “satay”, so he ventured into the best “satay” stall in the village. The following conversation took place between Aziz and the “satay” seller:-

Aziz:                   How much is a stick of “satay”?
“Satay” seller:    Sixty cents
Aziz:                  How about “Kuah” (peanut sauce)?
“Satay” seller:   Free
Aziz:                 How about the cucumbers?
“Satay” seller:   Free
Aziz:                 Onions?
“Satay” seller:   Free
Aziz:                Well, in that case, I will just have the “Kuah”, cucumbers and onions!

Naturally, the “Satay” seller was caught by his own words when he offered the “kuah” and the condiments free of charge. You can see that it is so easy to go with the flow when a certain pattern or train of words are used. By the time the person realized it, the person was already trapped by his own words or  made a commitment without realizing it. This is a common method used by litigation lawyers when cross examining witnesses. The technique is to confine the questions to a “yes” or “no” answer or to get the witness to reply with a short answer and to throw the questions in a rapid pace without allowing the witness to ponder the questions for too long. The litigation lawyer will initially start with a simple question and when the litigation lawyer sees that the witness is becoming comfortable or over confident, he starts shooting rapid questions and before you know it the witness would probably get caught by his own words on some of the subsequent questions. The witness will then need to wait for his lawyer to re-examine him to correct any “mistakes” that he might have made during the cross-examination. This is a technique that one should be cautions of as it sometimes mess up our line of thoughts and put us in a vulnerable position.  

A Love Story that touches one's heart

Recently, a friend from Hong Kong posted on her Facebook a story about how a guy was in love with a girl in high school but never had the guts to tell her. He helped her in school with her studies and even accompanied her to the high school prom when her date stood up on her. They were best of friends and were always looking out for each other. He was very attracted to her but dare not tell her about it as he feared being rejected by her. He was afraid that not only will she reject him, there was also a possibility that she would not want him to be her friend.

When they left high school, they continued their education in the university. Again, they were best of friends and were often helping each other out. After graduating from university, they parted ways but called on each other often when they needed help or just merely to catch up. All the while, the guy was so in love with the girl but could not bring himself to express his love to the girl for fear of being rejected. When the girl got married, the guy was heartbroken but nevertheless attended the wedding and put on a brave big smile. When the girl gave birth to her first child, she wanted the guy to be the son’s godfather which he  agreed.

As time went by, the girl fell sick and subsequently died. When the guy attended the funeral, they decided to read certain entries from her diary which were dated back to her high school days. The guy was shocked when he learned that in all these years, the girl too had strong feelings for him and was waiting for him to ask her to be his girlfriend and hopefully to be  his wife one day but unfortunately the guy never did. She wrote perhaps he was never interested in being more than a friend to her and she expressed how sad and disappointed she was but accepted that as fate. The guy was extremely heartbroken when he heard those entries being read. If only he took the risk and declared his love but alas that never happened.

The above story reminded me of a true love story involving a friend of mine that happened many years ago. In order to protect the person’s identity, let me call this person as John. I know John through my brother when John was still studying in high school (secondary school). John is the kind of guy that any parents would be proud to have as a son-in-law. John is a gentle, responsible, sincere and a  polite guy. When I was living in Los Angeles, I used to call him in Ohio where he was studying and I enjoyed the many hours of conversation with him. After I left LA, I lost touch with John and have not heard from him ever since. I did asked my brother about John and he too was curious of whatever came of him. A couple of years ago, my brother got news about John.

The story related to me about John was strikingly similar to the above story except no one dies here (thank God!). Like the earlier story, John was in love with a girl whom we shall call as Mary. John knew Mary ever since they were in high school. As luck had it, John and Mary went to the same university in Ohio. When living in a foreign country, John and Mary who were not proficient in English at that time supported each other while in Ohio. John was very much in love with Mary but had never expressed his feelings to Mary for fear of being rejected or worse being dumped as a friend by Mary. Subsequently Mary graduated from the university and returned to Malaysia while John stayed on to complete his postgraduate studies.

John and Mary continued to keep in touch but not as often as before due to hectic schedule and work from both sides. One day, a mutual friend contacted John in Ohio to inform him that Mary was getting married. John was heartbroken and immediately called Mary in Malaysia. It was only at this time that John confessed his love for Mary. When Mary heard John’s confession, she broke down and cried. Mary too, confessed that she was in love with John but she thought that John did not have  feelings for her as John had never expressed his feelings except for being a good friend. Mary told John that she had already accepted the wedding proposal from the boy and everything have been agreed and arranged by both families including the wedding reception. Mary told John that he has to move on and forget about her. Naturally, John was disappointed and never got over his untold love for Mary. After John completed his postgraduate studies, John returned to Malaysia and subsequently found solace in religion in the form of Buddhism. John became a monk. I wish to inform the readers that this is a true story, though it may have sounded like a romance novel but real lives were involved here. I suppose what we can take from this story is that if you really love someone, say it to the person and don’t wait for the right time because the right time is what you make of it and not one that drops on you.

Don't be lazy, say it in full! - Part III

This is the final installment relating to the above. This final story is rather an unfortunate story relating to miscommunication. Many years ago, some of you may remember a tragic accident where a passenger airplane crashed resulting everyone on board perished. When the black box was retrieved, the investigators found that the accident happened due to miscommunication between the Air Traffic Control and the pilot.

Apparently what happened was that when the Air Traffic Control was guiding the aircraft on its approach to the airport, they gave instructions to the pilot to descend the aircraft. The instruction given to the pilot was “to descend aircraft from 10,000 feet to 2 500 feet”. Do you see where the miscommunication here? The pilot heard the instruction as “to descend the flight to (2) 500 feet” whereas what the Air Traffic Control meant was to have the aircraft descend to 2,500 feet (two thousand five hundred feet). As you probably guess, by descending the flight to 500 feet, the aircraft crashed into a hill amidst in darkness. What happened here was that the Air Traffic Control used “short cut” language. Instead of saying “two thousand five hundred feet”, the Traffic Control said “two five hundred” where “two” was misinterpreted as “to”. From then onwards, all traffic controllers are now required to say the numbers in full and no short-cut. So, again, don’t be lazy, say it in full!

Don't be lazy, say it in full! - Part II

 

Here is my second real story relating to the above. Last week, I was looking for a locksmith to duplicate an additional key for my car. In case you are wondering, I am driving a Citroen C4 Picasso and this is one of those cars where it has a unique looking key that needs to be initialized before you can start the ignition. Like everything else in Sydney, the cost for duplicating the key is really high. I was faced with a dilemma. Not every key-maker can duplicate the key and even if they can, they are charging a bomb.

I finally found a key-maker who is a well established locksmith in Chatswood. When I asked the person whether he can duplicate the key, he took the key and ran through a few tests with the key using a machine. After that, he checked the catalogue and said he can do it but I need to bring in the car in as he needed the car for at least an hour or so. I asked him, how much would it cost? He said “One forty”. I then asked, “How about for two?”. He replied “Two eighty”.  It didn’t strike me then, but looking back, if I am a literal person, I would think one key is for forty dollars and for two, well, eighty dollars. Apparently, that would probably be what the person was saying according to a literal person.

To avoid this kind of confusion, what do you think the person should have said? Well, the person should have said it in full, “One hundred and forty dollars” rather than “One forty”. What created even more confusion was that for 2 keys, it will indeed be two hundred and eighty dollars or as the person said, “Two eighty”. If the key is for fifty dollars each, the literal person would know straightaway the actual amount as 2 keys will be one hundred dollars and there is no other way to say it except that. Therefore, like stated earlier, there should be no “short-cut” language, so “don’t be lazy, say it in full!”.

Don't be lazy, say it in full! - Part I

The title says it all. My apologies if I reminded you of your teacher in school but have you ever wonder why miscommunication happens or why our messages never got conveyed the way we want it to be conveyed? One of the major reason is because we tend to use “short-cut” language. For example, when we invite someone for lunch, some of us will use “short-cut” language by looking and simply saying to the person, “lunch?” or we could make a full sentence by saying, ‘Do you like to join me for lunch?”. If the person is a literal person, he will probably be scratching his head and thinking to himself whether you are expecting him to invite you for lunch or whether you are asking him whether there is lunch available in the premises or whether you want him to join you for lunch?

A former colleague of mine who is from the Netherlands informed me that when he first came to Malaysia, he was extremely puzzled with Malaysians. He said to me that Malaysians are curious and strange people. His Malaysian colleagues would often asked him “Have you taken your lunch?” or “Have you eaten?” but never once invited him to join them for lunch. He finds this rather puzzling as to why they want to know whether he had eaten lunch when they have no intention of inviting him at all. As we all know, Malaysians are friendly and polite people. When Malaysians asked a question of such nature, more often than not, we do not expect an answer. It is just out of sheer politeness. When I informed this to my Dutch friend, he just scratched his head and still couldn’t get it. He also came to understand this culturally thing after his first year living in Kuala Lumpur. So, in order not to confuse our foreign friends, “Don’t be lazy, speak in full sentence!”

Negotiation and Communication Skills Workshop (24th April 2013) -Special Discount for readers of this blog!

Hello everyone! I will be visiting KL from 12th April until the 26th April 2013. I hope to catch up with as many of you as possible during that 2 weeks. During this visit, I will be conducting a workshop called "Negotiation & Communication Skills Workshop" at the Renaissance Hotel on the 24th April 2013. The organiser of this event is Crimson Logic. I understand from the organiser that there are still a few spaces left. In this workshop, I will be sharing with you some of the techniques in creating instant rapport. This is a practical interactive workshop. There will be role plays and exercises to allow you to attempt these new skills. I hope to see you in the Workshop. The organiser has very kindly agreed to give a discount of 15% if you mentioned that you heard about it through this blog! See you in KL and hopefully I will see you in the workshop! Cheers