Building rapport in cross-cultural communication

When we talk about Mediation, we talk about meeting the parties’ needs. In other words, what do the parties really want and how do we satisfy those needs. However, in cross cultural negotiations, we have to look beyond the parties’ needs in order to obtain a positive outcome. We have to understand the parties’ culture to build rapport. Growing up in a multi-cultural country like Malaysia, we are frequently exposed to different races and cultures. From the Western world’s perspective, they could all be lumped into one group and simply labelled as “Asians” but one needs to understand that within “Asians”, there are many other sub-groups of people such as Japanese, Koreans, Indians, Chinese, Malays, Thais, etc. Each group may have their own different cultural values where the other groups may not be aware of. Therefore, doing a bit of homework and getting to know the person’s culture will do wonders.

However, I wish to caution that understanding the other person’s culture does not mean that you have to be that person of that particular culture. Let me give you an example, I have come across people who have tried to imitate the person of that different culture when they speak. For instance, a non-Chinese person imitates a Chinese native speaker when he speaks English to the former. The person’s intention may be good, in the sense that he wanted to make the Chinese person feel comfortable but at the same time, it could also be perceived as an insult when everyone knows that the non-Chinese person could speak English really well. So, in my opinion, do not overdo it. If you want to make the person feel comfortable, speak slowly and whenever possible, use simple and proper language. If you know certain Chinese words (as in our example) or phrases, use them by interjecting them into your vocabulary when you speak to the Chinese native speaker. I can say with confidence that the Chinese native speaker would be pleased and perhaps even put a smile to his or her face. 

I remembered some years ago in an industrial relations case, my client who is the employer attended a tribunal where an ex-employee claimed that he was wrongfully dismissed. The ex-employee was a European man married to a Malay lady. On the day of the hearing, my client’s Human Resource Director who was dressed in his usual office wear was taken by surprise when he saw his ex-employee wearing an elaborate Malay traditional costume. From the way he wore the traditional costume, it was obvious that this was not his usual dressing. It was safe to assume then that the ex-employee was simply putting on a “show” at the tribunal and perhaps, hoping to score a few points with the Chairman of the Tribunal. Well, the HR Director told me that the Chairman of the Tribunal was not impressed and proceeded to hear the case without being swayed by the person’s dressing. Apparently, at one stage the Chairman of the Tribunal enquired from the ex-employee who was clearly uncomfortable and sweating profusely whether he would want a short adjournment so that he could changed to something more comfortable. However the European man declined. So there you have it, this was clearly another act that had gone overboard. When you want to create rapport with a person of different culture, both parties must be comfortable, do your homework to learn more about the person’s culture and do not go overboard.

At the Australian Dispute Resolution Centre, we are constantly researching and finding ways that can help to create rapport amongst people from different cultural background.  We are looking at verbal or physical gestures that will create better understanding amongst people of different races and cultures. Hopefully, we will be able to compile a list that will help to create a world of tolerance and friendship.

Dealing with Anxiety

Have you ever felt nervous while waiting for your exam results or perhaps even feeling afraid of a pending surgery in the hospital? If we look at it carefully, it is not the exam results or the surgery itself that made us afraid, it is more of the unknown and uncertainty that make us anxious. Anxious will turn into nervousness which will then lead us to being afraid.

Recently, my friend’s wife who is living in Sydney has been “freaking out” (in his words) because of a pending major surgery which the doctors have recommended. My friend informed me  that his wife had been having sleepless nights, tossing and turning because she was so afraid of the surgery. I told him that her "freaking out" is related more to the anxiety rather than to the surgery itself. As human beings, we are most vulnerable when we do not know what to expect or the unknown. Usually, we will go through to two phases. The first phase will be the anxiety and then the second phase will be waiting to get it over with. In the case of my friend’s wife, this will come when she has a long wait for a date to undergo the surgery. After a long waiting period for a surgery date, she will just want to get the surgery over with and hope for the earliest possible surgery date. From this case, you can see a total change and turn of event - from her being afraid to her being impatient to get the surgery done.

In my law practice, I have clients who have never been sued or even seen a lawyer before coming into my office. Sometimes they are frank and tell me that they are nervous as they have not been sued or gone to Court before and do not know what to expect. This situation fits in nicely with the anxiety that we have been talking about. They feel most vulnerable in such situation, ie: the “unchartered territory”. In this case, just advising them to calm down and relax will be of little help because those are just mere words, the clients want their lawyers to prepare and advise them to the best of their lawyers’ knowledge as to what to expect from the other side and in Court. Therefore, always be frank to your clients and explain to them step by step, though I acknowledged it is impossible to predict what the other side will do. The best you can do is to give them the best calculated guess. In other words, give them an idea so that they would know what to expect and be prepared.

I remembered when I was a final year law student, I was anxious and extremely nervous as the final exam result will either see me through to be a lawyer or may render me to stay back and repeat another semester of law studies. It is easy to predict if you are a top student but for people like me who is just an average student, this was a situation of either make or break for me. I remembered when I got my results, my anxiety just disappeared and found that my nervousness and anxiety was due to the waiting and not so much due to the result. Well, some of you may say that is because I passed the final exam which is true but this was exactly the same feeling I had when I was in high school. My weakest subject was mathematics. I was really nervous when I knew that the Maths teacher would at anytime be returning our Maths exam papers together with the score. I couldn’t sleep for a few days. There were a few false alarms such as when the Maths teacher came to class and said that he had left the exam papers at home and therefore, couldn’t return the exam papers to us. It was a moment of relief for me but I knew that eventful day would come soon. The second time, we were told by the Principal’s office that the Maths teacher fell sick and therefore we wouldn’t be getting our maths results. Again, a short celebration and relief. Finally the dreaded day came when the maths exam papers were handed back. Needless to say, I failed the maths exam. When I saw the failing mark, I didn’t feel sad or disappointed but surprisingly, it was a relief as if a load of weight had lifted from my shoulders. You see, I have been nervous and stress for far too long, it was no longer the results that was making me miserable, in fact it was the waiting. Let’s be realistic, it wasn’t unexpected. I knew I blew it when it came to the maths exam but somehow we tend to “torture” ourselves by putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves. So, remove that pressure and you will remove that anxiety!

How to deal with a person having "Passive Aggressive Behaviour"

What is “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”? “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” has been defined in Wikipedia as “indirect expression of hostility such as sarcasm, hostile jokes, stubbornness or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks of which one is responsible”. In other words, being “passive resistant” to what is expected or required by the person. Instead of being frank, honest or direct, the person will show his or her anger or displeasure by being sarcastic or even cracking improper jokes, usually targeting the person that the Passive Aggressor is annoyed with. An example here would be the “silent  treatment”. From my experience, I can say that I have encountered many times where  my loved ones just refused to talk to me until one of us breaks the ice. Were they demonstrating “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”? Perhaps, but fortunately for me most of the time, they would come to a realisation that it is rather immature for them to act that way and before you know it, they will cool down and end that “icy treatment”.

It was said that the cause of “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” may “stem from a childhood environment, where it was not safe to express frustration or anger”, thus leaving the Passive Aggressor giving hints of his or her displeasure. I must say that we, Asians, tend to demonstrate “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” more than any other groups. The reason could be because we were thought from young to express ourselves indirectly so as not to hurt the other person’s feelings. For example, if we want something, we would not say it directly. Instead we would tell the person a long story and hopefully the person will get the hint as we have been taught by our parents that telling the person directly will be rude and impolite. With that mindset, we also apply the same when we are angry or when someone hurt us emotionally, thus resulting “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”.

So how do we deal with a person who demonstrates “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”? My answer would be to “take the bull by the horns” - in other words do exactly the opposite of what a Passive Aggressor would do. When I did my training in hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) many years ago, I remembered a technique called “Speed Induction”. “Speed Induction” is quick way to get a person into a trance (provided that you have already built strong rapport with the person) where you basically “shock and awe” the person without the person even expecting it. For example, asking the person to place his or her hand on yours’ and then instruct the person to press your hand down as hard as possible. When they least expect it, drop your hand and then say the word loudly in a commanding tone, “SLEEP” and more likely than not the person will go into a trance. So by using that principle, you can apply the same to the Passive Aggressor. Of course, you do not ask the Passive Aggressor to go to sleep but rather you can start by saying the things that the Passive Aggressor has been avoiding. In order words, "shock and awe" the person. For example, if the Passive Aggressor refused to perform a task, it is not because the Passive Aggressor does not want to do it but because the person does not want to be told or ordered around. You see, Passive Aggressors  too have a lot of ego in them. By saying directly to the Passive Aggressor what the person refuses to say may make the Passive Aggressor uncomfortable and sometimes even feeling bashful. However, do not criticise or be rude, reframe if possible. For example, “I will leave it to you to do the job but with your experience and knowledge, I have no doubt that you will be able to determine the best software to run on this computer. If you need any assistance, please let me know”. By looking at the example, you will see that the Passive Aggressor was not criticised but instead the person was praised and at the same time, the person’s task was also defined with the expectation clearly stated by the client or boss. Everyone is happy including the Passive Aggressor. Remember, you may not be able to change a person from demonstrating “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” but you can definitely work with the person by showing empathy and dealing it in an effective and positive way.

Introducing the Australian Dispute Resolution Centre

It is great to be back! It has been a while since I wrote my last article. I have been spending quite a bit of time in planning and promoting the Australian Dispute Resolution Centre (ADRC) of which I currently served as the Director. The objective of ADRC is to promote, research and provide services in relation to resolving disputes involving people from different cultural background. This would include organising and conducting courses in relation to cross-cultural negotiation and communication skills. The ADRC is relatively new and one of ADRC’s unique feature is its seminar cum study tour to countries of different cultural background. The objective of the trip is to gain an understanding of that country’s  approach to negotiation, bargaining, decision making and settling of disputes as well as networking. The programme consists of a seminar and site visits to appreciate the local culture of that country.

ADRC is always looking for like minded partners to work, share and exchange ideas that will bring people from different cultures closer together. If you are interested in ADRC’s objectives or wants to know more, please feel free to contact me at st@adrc.net.au

Midlife Crisis and how to handle it

Well, midlife crisis used to be a laughing matter whenever it was brought up or discussed amongst friends. When I was in my 20s, I used to joke about it and burst out laughing whenever a much older person did a silly thing or something totally out of whack from his or her normal character. I will just burst out saying that the person is having a serious midlife crisis. When I was in my 30s, I continued making jokes about it though it wasn’t as funny as before. Now, when I am in my 40s, I find that it is no longer a laughing matter but could it be that I am right in the middle of it (no pun intended)?

So, how do you handle midlife crisis? Well, first of all, let us understand what is midlife crisis? According to Wikipedia, midlife is often a “time for reflection and assessment”. It goes on to say that a midlife crisis could be caused “by aging itself, or aging in combination with changes, problems, or regrets over:

- work or career (or lack thereof);

- spousal relationships (or lack thereof);

- maturation of children (or lack of children)

- aging or death of parents;

- physical changes associated with aging”

Looking at the above categories, I would say that I meet almost all of the categories except a couple. In my case, it became even more apparent and amplified when I moved to a new country where many things in my normal routine life have changed or needed changes. For example, being a busy legal practitioner in Kuala Lumpur, I have to adjust to a much more mundane and quieter life here in Sydney. Being in a new country, without a proper office or going to Court or attending meetings or solving legal issues, all of a sudden I felt useless or hopeless (my apologies as I can’t find a better word to describe it). Each day it is the same for me - doing some domestic work (not that I am complaining) and occasional gardening, it just didn’t really jive with me as I realised I needed to adjust and it will take some time. Also, looking at my kids maturing and growing up each day made me feel old (apologies as I can’t find a better word to describe it as well). I remembered looking at one of the  recent photos of a former classmate’s son on Facebook and made a remark along the line that the son looks like an adult and thought of him more like the ex classmate’s friend or colleague than a son. Another friend who heard my remark said to me, “It should come as no surprise as we are already in our forties”. When I looked at my friend closely, I also noticed that he has aged quite a bit. Though, the cut of his face still reminds me when we were in primary school but it is apparent that his hair has more grey than black and wrinkles are appearing quite generously on his face. To me, he is always the 10 year old kid that I know playing along side the school canteen or playing “police and thief” or “hantu kana” but to the new generation today, he is simply known as an Uncle. It makes me realised that I too am a Uncle to this generation. I always thought of myself as young person until someone reminded me I am a much older person when they called me Uncle. This reminded me of a funny incident some years ago. My then 8 year old son and me were attending a friend’s daugher’s wedding. Sitting at our table was Tan Sri Krishnan Tan (IJM Corporation Berhad). Since this kind of wedding was known for its delay in serving dinner, there were hors d’oeuvre (appetisers) on the table. Suddenly I heard Krishnan Tan who was sitting next to me said, “Here, young man, have some curry puff”. I took one and said, “thank you”. Krishnan Tan looked at me and said, “I was talking to your son”. Then it daunts on me that the term “young man” is no longer mine. It now belongs to my son and his generation.

Another criteria which I noticed are that the thoughts of dying are beginning to scare me more than before. I remembered when I was younger, I was gung ho and didn’t give a hoot about death and was a risk taker. In recent times, seeing a few friends of similar age passed on including a very dear aunty whom I always admired as a strong and healthy woman and whom I always believe that death is not possible (though as idealistic as I may be) passed on, it reminded me that one day, our close and dear ones too will depart and that would include me. I began to realise that we are just as mortal as anyone. These are things that I thought would never happen to me until now.

So, how do we handle midlife crisis? Well, I can’t speak for everyone but what I will do is that I will share my experience. First of all, acceptance. We need to accept that things have changed. We can no longer live the life that we have once lived before. Even going to my old town of Klang is not the same anymore. The town has now grown and there are many streets, shopping complexes and places that I do not recognise anymore. In other words, we have to go with the flow. Secondly, be happy and appreciate with what you have achieved. This would ease one of the symptoms of midlife crisis which is seeking recognition from friends and peers. According to wikipedia, a person experiencing midlife crisis have a constant feeling of “fear of humiliation among more successful colleagues” and friends. The best way to do this is to record your achievements, any achievement for that matter. It could be the day when you have your new born or when you got your first job or when you got married. For me, I have the billboard of my book “Mediation Skills and Techniques” hanging on my wall and of course, this blog to remind me of my life chronicles! Thirdly, be who you are and age gracefully - you do not need to proof to anyone! I noticed that a lot of people who are experiencing midlife crisis, would try to seek younger friends for company. The main reason being they want to feel and be young. They want to “associate” themselves with the younger generation and not accept that they have grown (remember the “power of association” which we talk about). Sometimes, people will go to the extent of finding youngish clothes, face uplift, etc - just to get themselves accepted by society. Hey, the society has already accepted you a long time ago, even longer than this young generation! A retired teacher who is in his late 70s once remarked to me that he has to dye his hair to cover the grey spot, otherwise, people will disrespect him. My take on this is that if they are not going to respect you then they are not worthy to have a conversation with as they will be merely superficial and a waste of time.

So, if my above writings bother you or for some reason made you feel uncomfortable - then that is a good sign! You are showing acceptance. You are accepting who you are - in other words, aging gracefully and becoming wiser every second! So embrace it and be proud of who you are. You will notice that this article is longer than usual. Yes, that is another symptom of midlife crisis - long winded! Cheers everyone and happy 2014!

Miscommunication, embarrassment and humility

This morning I was talking to a friend of mine about miscommunication and embarrassment. This friend of mine related to me a story about how a VIP was recently  invited to an event and instead of having the VIP deliver a speech and officiate the event, the VIP was “sidelined” in the sense that he wasn’t the keynote speaker so to speak (no pun intended) and he wasn’t given the honour of cutting the ribbon. Obviously and rightly too, the VIP was upset as the invitation that was communicated to him was that he was the keynote speaker and also to officiate the event the same time. The organising committee was embarrassed and had apologised profusely to the VIP.

I remember some years ago, I was invited to attend a luncheon event organised by the Malaysian Bar Council. The event was a compulsory lunch that marked the end of the Ethics Course for the soon-to-be lawyers. As I was one of the lecturers in the Ethics Course, I was an honoured guest and was shown to my seat which was right in front of the stage - a VVIP treatment if you can consider it that way. I was early, so I decided to take a stroll at the compound of the venue. When I returned a few minutes before the event started, I noticed that my seat was taken by someone else. I didn’t want to make a scene even though I was an honoured guest in the event, so I just stood there and waited for some help. A lady walked up to me and felt really embarrassed. She informed me that they had mixed up the names and thought that I would not be coming. She mentioned to me that all the seats have been taken except for one. She asked whether I would mind if I take that seat. I asked her to show me to the seat. Well, as you can imagine, the only seat available was right at the end of the room where you can hardly see the person on the stage. This was one of those seats which is perfect for slipping away quietly midway during lunch without anyone noticing!

She apologised to me profusely and wasn’t sure I would be offended and walked out of the event. I looked at her and then at the table and said to her, “You know what, this table is full of ladies. At my age, to get this treatment, I would need to pay money for their company but here I am getting them for free! And to boot, they are all going to be lawyers soon! So I should be thanking you for getting me this great seat.” I could see a huge relief appeared in her face. Well, I had good lunch and good company. Sometimes a bit of humility goes a long way.

"Rempeyek kacang" or "Nachos with peanuts" to some people!

Hello everyone, it has been about a week since we returned from Malaysia. Our kids were not too keen to visit Malaysia as they have settled really well here in Sydney. Our youngest gave a list of reasons why he didn’t want to visit Malaysia which include the heat, humidity, haze, etc. I listened to him patiently and refrained from challenging his reasons. At this young age, you want to encourage them to express themselves and not to shut or put them down. I just asked him a thought provoking question, “Who is going to look after you here in Sydney if you don’t want to follow us?”. He gave some thoughts to that question and finally relented.

Looking back, it is amazing to see how the young ones adopted themselves so well to a new country, new home and new culture. However, I do not want them to forget their roots, in other words, being Malaysians. Some of you may wonder how can one change so much especially when the migration to Australia has been less than a year. Well, you will be surprised. As an example, while on our way to Malacca ( a southern state in Peninsular Malaysia), I offered our youngest child some “rempeyek kacang” (a kind of deep fried peanut fritters). Any normal Malaysian would know what a “rempeyek kacang” is or at least has seen one. However, when this was offered to a 10 year old, he merely took a bite and said, “Hmmm.....this taste like nachos with peanuts”. When I heard that, I immediately realised that I need to bring this boy to Malaysia more often. Never in this world could I ever imagine someone equating “rempeyek kacang” to “nachos with peanuts”! Those of you who are familiar with Malay proverbs would know the saying, “jangan jadi seperti kacang lupakan kulit” (meaning in simple terms, do not forget your roots or when you came from). Well, I will make sure this “kacang” will not forget his “kulit”.

Here's wishing you a “nutty” day!