I am sure many of us have heard the saying “fighting fire against fire” or “an eye for an eye”. What does it mean? Revenge? Perhaps. Never back down? Maybe. Ego? Most definitely. You see, realistically if you fight fire against fire, how does that help you in that situation? The fire will just become bigger and that will result a lose-lose situation. Likewise, “an eye for an eye”, how does that help the situation? Both parties will experience unpleasantness. Of course, there are people who would argue and say, “at least I will get the satisfaction of my revenge”. Really? Initially you will feel that way but after time passes, you will find that you are no better than the other person. So, how would one deal with such situation?
To me, the best way to diffuse a tense situation is by doing the opposite. Most likely the opposite action would be a passive one. It is like “fighting fire with water” or “saving an eye to replace another”. Let me share with you two recent experiences I had in dealing with diffusing a tense situation.
Recently, my wife Jennifer wanted to buy a pepper grinder. She asked me if I see a pepper grinder in one of my shopping trips, please get one. Well, it so happened that I was at one of the shopping malls at Mutiara Damansara when I came across a shop that sells kitchen products. Inside the shop was a sales lady who had a rather unwelcoming and unpleasant face. I asked her whether the shop carried any pepper grinder. Without saying a word, she pointed the direction without a smile. I got the pepper grinder, paid for it and said “thank you”. There was no acknowledgement from her. She was unfriendly. The whole process was robotic. Anyway, I was glad that I got out of the shop and headed home.
When I got home, Jennifer and I tried to figure out how to remove the lid. I know, it is a simple task but you see, when it comes to kitchen appliances and related stuff, we still have a lot to learn. Jennifer asked me if I could return to the shop and enquire on how to remove the lid. Well, it looked like I had no other choice but to return the shop and hoping that I would get a different sales lady. I decided to visit the shop around its closing time, hoping that I would not come across that unpleasant lady. On that particular night, I walked into the shop and as my luck had it, the unpleasant lady was there at the cashier. To make matters even more interesting, like my previous visit, she was the only sales person around. I went to the shelf where the pepper grinders were kept. I took one as a sample and walked up to her at the cashier. She immediately took the pepper grinder from me and was about to check out the item when I quickly stopped her and said that I am not purchasing it. She looked at me with a frown on her face. I informed her that I already bought sometime ago. She stared at me with a disbelief look and said, “Are you sure you got it here?”. I replied, “I am certain. In fact, you were the one who attended to me. I am so sorry to come in at a time when you were closing. I do not know how to open the lid of the pepper grinder. My wife said that I am old and slow when come to doing such things. I will be grateful if you can show me how to open the lid”. I said those words in a calm and friendly tone. I looked at her and suddenly her facial appearance changed from being unpleasant to pleasant. As a matter a fact, I must say she looked rather sweet and friendly when she smiled. She said, “No, you are not old and slow. There are many people who have the same problem”. After that, she became really patient, friendly and chatty. She showed me how to open the lid. I offered to return the pepper grinder to the shelf but she stopped me and told me not to worry about it.
You see, it is important to choose your words carefully when you face a tense situation. If I said, “I have tried many times to open the lid but it failed....”. How do you think the lady would feel? She would think that I am trying to blame her product or I could be inferring that her product is inferior. However, when I said, “I do not know how to open the lid.....”, I am showing humility and at the same time admitting my ignorance without placing blame on anyone. That immediately got the lady’s attention and made her realise that we are all humans and none of us are perfect. If I had a big ego and challenged her, it will not be good for either of us. Both of us will be angry and very likely will be sulking the whole night. I have another story to share in my next post. Stay tune........
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