Looking from different perspective - A story about the Fruit Seller

While having dinner tonight, my wife Jennifer informed me that she bought some fresh fruits from the Ayer Panas Wet Market. There is a particular fruit stall that she visits when she goes to the Ayer Panas Wet Market. Each time Jennifer goes there, she hopes the elderly lady who runs the stall would be there. When I asked Jennifer, why is that? She informed that the elderly lady is a simple person. She always give a little more than you pay for. For instance, she will round off the figure to the lowest or when she weighs the fruits, she will just add a little more into your basket without extra payment. The elderly lady is a friendly person and gets along well with her customers. On the other hand, Jennifer described the elderly lady’s son as someone who is rather “shrewd” and very “calculative”. He will weigh and charge you according to the scale, right down to the decimal point. Well, there is nothing wrong with that but it gives the impression that this man is very calculative. He will also charge his customers right to the very cent.

This story actually got me thinking. You see, to Jennifer the elderly lady’s son is “shrewd” and “calculative” which made this person undesirable when it comes to the customers. The man has no mercy when it comes to selling fruits. He will charge his customers the maximum and make as much money as he can. To be frank, there is nothing wrong with that as he is earning a living but as far as empathy and customer relations go, he has much to learn. However, to the man’s family and relatives, he is a very good businessman. He earns “extra” for his family and he knows how to maximise his profits. Like they say, there are “two sides to a coin”. Everyone has his or her angle or perspective in a subject matter. Some look at it positively while another may look at it at a negative angle. In order to overcome this, we need to have empathy. In other words, putting ourselves into the shoes of the other person. A very important trait to have in Mediation.

I will now have to excuse myself to have my overpriced fruits. Have a good evening!

Stories about Assumptions - "You know you are getting older when........"

It is very common for us to make assumptions. Sometimes when we look at a person who is dressed shabbily, we would assume that the person could not afford to buy nice clothes  or if the person is quiet, we would assume that the person has not much to say. Well, those are just merely assumptions. We are just making our own conclusion by seeing what is on the surface. However, sometimes when we dig deeper or go further, we will realise that our assumptions may not be correct. So, how do we avoid making assumptions? Well, by creating rapport and asking questions. We should ask enough questions to make an informed impression of the person.

Let me share with you two amusing stories that happened to me recently. Both stories have a common theme.....”You know when you are getting older”

Story No. 1: The Waitress and the glass of water

One day, I was having lunch with a few friends who were much younger than me. After taking our orders, the waitress proceeded to get us some water. All of my young friends got a glass of cold water except me. I got a glass of warm water instead. I asked the waitress, “How come they get cold water while I got a glass of warm water?” She looked surprise and said, “I thought you wanted a glass of warm water”. Well, I certainly did not mention anything about warm water but apparently it was obvious to her by seeing a person with grey hair and looking much older would warrant a glass of warm water! What do you think the waitress did here? Well, she made an assumption. Of course, we just laughed it off but sometimes if the receiving person is sensitive, this may create an undesired confrontation. Therefore, to be safe, always ask!

Story No. 2: “Just a trim?”

When I was younger I used to go to the barber once every two weeks. Those were the days when I have really thick and black hair! The barber would often asked me whether I want the hair to be cut short or very short. The barber knew that I didn’t like to keep long hair. Well, times have certainly changed. Nowadays, I visit the barber once every two months. Yes, there is some money saving there but I don’t mind paying a bit more to return to the old days of long and thick hair (wishful thinking here!). My barber had since retired and returned to India. I would now go to one of those quick hair cut places.

When I stepped into the quick hair cut place, a young barber attended to me. I have not had my hair cut for more than two months (actually closer to three months). The young barber looked at me and said, “Just a trim, Sir?” I actually burst laughing and said, “Actually, I wanted you to cut it short but looking at things now, I think a trim will be fine”.  Can you see the difference between this story and the first story? The first story is about assumption while the second story is about facts. Yes, the second story is all about facts. The young barber didn’t need to make an assumption. The evidence is right in front of him to see. Therefore, he can safely say, “Just a trim, Sir” without offending the receiving party which was me.

Well, the stories above were written in good fun but it certainly gave me a new perspective of life. You see, we always assume we are still that young little boy or girl but in reality, all of us have grown, as all things in life should be. The person outside may see things differently from us but in reality, it brings you out of that fog and back into the real world!

Diffusing a tense situation - The Story about a Nurse

A few days ago, while eating his dinner, my father had a fish bone lodged somewhere in his throat. It was a rather unpleasant experience. It had a poking sensation and it became even more irritable when he drank or ate. He decided to use the traditional methods to get the bone dislodged such as eating small of pieces of bread and bananas. He even tried to flush it out by drinking lots of water but to no avail. Anyway, he thought he would sleep through it and see if his throat gets any better the next day.

Now, my father is a rather tough guy and he would not see a doctor unless it is absolute necessary. That Saturday morning, he wanted to see a doctor. We decided to take him to see an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) Specialist instead. The reason for seeing the ENT Specialist rather than a General Practitioner (GP) was that the ENT Specialist would have all the necessary equipments to remove the bone. As many of us know, Saturday is always a busy day in the hospitals and clinics. We decided to go to the Specialist Hospital early at 8.30am, hoping to be the first patient to see the ENT Specialist. When we reached the ENT Specialist’s clinic in the hospital, we were informed by the nurse that there were 17 other patients ahead of us. Wow! It was going to be a very long wait. In the hospital, there was another ENT Specialist whom I know for a fact is equally good as I took my son, Douglas to see him many years ago. Imagine our surprise when we walked into the clinic and there was not even a single soul around. Err.....that included the nurse! The doctor’s office door was unlocked and the clinic was wide opened with some files and computer on the table. I was quite uncomfortable as I did not want to be accused of breaking into the clinic or anything like that. Luckily, a hospital orderly walked in with some files and smiled at us. He noticed that we looked confused and assured us that the nurse must have gone to the record room to retrieve some files.

My father and I sat down and waited and waited but the nurse did not show up. I decided to call the hospital general line using my mobile phone to enquire the whereabouts of this mysterious nurse. The hospital operator informed me that she too, was trying to contact the nurse and was equally puzzled as well. The hospital operator asked me of my whereabouts. I told her I am actually sitting in the clinic waiting for the nurse. The hospital operator sounded rather surprise as to how I could enter into an empty clinic unattended. I assume that it is standard procedure to lock the clinic and the doctor’s room when the nurse leaves. Anyway, the hospital operator told me she will contact the “boss” (whom I assume is the Nursing Manager) to contact this particular nurse.

Ten minutes went by, still no show. I decided to go to the reception for further action. The man who was attending to me at the reception counter was a rather pleasant fellow. He made a few calls including one to the “boss” but no one could trace the whereabouts of the nurse. Finally, one of the departments called and said she was on her way up to the clinic. As I made my way up to the clinic, I bumped into a nurse who looked rather unfriendly and unpleasant. To be frank, very “sour” looking. I was saying to myself, “Please don’t let this be the nurse, please don’t let this be the nurse”. As my luck had it (again!), she walked into the clinic and I said to myself, “Oh, my God. Here we go again...” Her “boss” would have probably contacted her and this was going to be a rather challenging confrontation.

When I walked into the clinic, as expected, the rudeness became very apparent. I informed her about my father’s condition. Her reply was crude. She said in an unpleasant tone that the doctor would only come in at 9.30am, she said “You will have to wait”. I replied in a calm and pleasant tone that there will be another 10 minutes, so no problem as far as we were concerned. Then the nurse said, “We have a few other patients, so you have to wait”. For some reason, I felt that she was trying to get rid of us which was rather strange as we were in a way the doctor’s “customers”. I told her, “No problem. I wish the line could be shorter as my father was not able to sleep last night and it was causing a lot of irritation (I might exaggerate here a bit!)”. I told her that if she could put a fishing hook down and remove the bone, that would be wonderful. Suddenly, she burst out laughing with a blush and said, “If only I could do that, I will probably be a doctor”. Those few words which I said seem to trigger her in a positive way. She became very friendly after that. We chatted and she laughed. In case the readers are wondering, no, I am not flirting with her. I am just being pleasant and positive. I went back and took my seat while she made a few calls. After hanging up, she came to me and said that the ENT Specialist is currently doing his rounds at the wards. She has informed the ENT Specialist that the patient has been waiting a long time for him. She also informed that she would be slotting my father in so that he doesn’t need to wait a long time. The reason was that because my father was a walk-in while the rest of the patients were on prior appointments. Prior appointments get priority.

A few moments later, more patients began to show up. I was wondering whether the nurse was going to keep her words about “slotting him in”. Another 10 minutes later, the ENT Specialist came in. The nurse looked at me and smiled. She came to us and called up my father’s name as though he was there on a prior appointment. My father went in and all was good.

What can we take from this experience? Sometimes when the situation gets rather tense, we may get frustrated and would probably say some rather unpleasant words. What would that do to improve the situation? Nothing. The nurse will get angry and as things stood at that time, she was already angry at that time as most likely her “boss” would have contacted her. I showed empathy by describing my father’s pain (though I may have exaggerated there) but nevertheless, empathy was shown when I said the words, “.... my father was not able to sleep last night and it was causing a lot of irritation...”. Words that the nurse could relate to as she is only human. I chose to make the “removing the fish bone” as the main and common issue rather than her tardiness, rudeness and clash of personalities as an issue. I reinforced that issue by making a small joke and that did it. That broke the icy character and made her into a warm and friendly person....at least for that day!

Diffusing a tense situation - The Pepper Grinder Story

I am sure many of us have heard the saying “fighting fire against fire” or “an eye for an eye”. What does it mean? Revenge? Perhaps. Never back down? Maybe. Ego? Most definitely. You see, realistically if you fight fire against fire, how does that help you in that situation? The fire will just become bigger and that will result a lose-lose situation. Likewise, “an eye for an eye”, how does that help the situation? Both parties will experience unpleasantness. Of course, there are people who would argue and say, “at least I will get the satisfaction of my revenge”. Really? Initially you will feel that way but after time passes, you will find that you are no better than the other person. So, how would one deal with such situation?

To me, the best way to diffuse a tense situation is by doing the opposite. Most likely the opposite action would be a passive one. It is like “fighting fire with water” or “saving an eye to replace another”. Let me share with you two recent experiences I had in dealing with diffusing a tense situation.

Recently, my wife Jennifer wanted to buy a pepper grinder. She asked me if I see a pepper grinder in one of my shopping trips, please get one. Well, it so happened that I was at one of the shopping malls at Mutiara Damansara when I came across a shop that sells kitchen products. Inside the shop was a sales lady who had a rather unwelcoming and unpleasant face. I asked her whether the shop carried any pepper grinder. Without saying a word, she pointed the direction without a smile. I got the pepper grinder, paid for it and said “thank you”. There was no acknowledgement from her. She was unfriendly. The whole process was robotic. Anyway, I was glad that I got out of the shop and headed home.

When I got home, Jennifer and I tried to figure out how to remove the lid. I know, it is a simple task but you see, when it comes to kitchen appliances and related stuff, we still have a lot to learn. Jennifer asked me if I could return to the shop and enquire on how to remove the lid. Well, it looked like I had no other choice but to return the shop and hoping that I would get a different sales lady. I decided to visit the shop around its closing time, hoping that I would not come across that unpleasant lady. On that particular night, I walked into the shop and as my luck had it, the unpleasant lady was there at the cashier. To make matters even more interesting, like my previous visit, she was the only sales person around. I went to the shelf where the pepper grinders were kept. I took one as a sample and walked up to her at the cashier. She immediately took the pepper grinder from me and was about to check out the item when I quickly stopped her and said that I am not purchasing it. She looked at me with a frown on her face. I informed her that I already bought sometime ago. She stared at me with a disbelief look and said, “Are you sure you got it here?”. I replied, “I am certain. In fact, you were the one who attended to me. I am so sorry to come in at a time when you were closing. I do not know how to open the lid of the pepper grinder. My wife said that I am old and slow when come to doing such things. I will be grateful if you can show me how to open the lid”. I said those words in a calm and friendly tone. I looked at her and suddenly her facial appearance changed from being unpleasant to pleasant. As a matter a fact, I must say she looked rather sweet and friendly when she smiled. She said, “No, you are not old and slow. There are many people who have the same problem”. After that, she became really patient, friendly and chatty. She showed me how to open the lid. I offered to return the pepper grinder to the shelf but she stopped me and told me not to worry about it.

You see, it is important to choose your words carefully when you face a tense situation. If I said, “I have tried many times to open the lid but it failed....”. How do you think the lady would feel? She would think that I am trying to blame her product or I could be inferring that her product is inferior. However, when I said, “I do not know how to open the lid.....”, I am showing humility and at the same time admitting my ignorance without placing blame on anyone. That immediately got the lady’s attention and made her realise that we are all humans and none of us are perfect. If I had a big ego and challenged her, it will not be good for either of us. Both of us will be angry and very likely will be sulking the whole night. I have another story to share in my next post. Stay tune........

Health vs Wealth - A touching story about Empathy

In Mediation, we frequently talk about empathy. What is empathy? We normally describe empathy as putting ourselves in another person’s shoes. In other words, we try to identify the person’s feelings in order to have a better understanding of the person’s character and thoughts. Let me share with you a real touching story related by a friend not too long ago:-

This friend of mine whom I shall call Jack informed that many years ago his father was admitted to a private hospital for a serious ailment. His father’s condition deteriorated quite rapidly and by the third day, he fell into  coma. Jack’s father was wheeled into the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) and was kept alive by life support. Jack who was then in his mid 20s and being the eldest in the family was the sole breadwinner. The family didn’t have much money. Jack had to support his siblings who were still studying. Jack knew that the father’s prospect of recovery was grave. He asked the doctor how long more does the father have in this world. The doctor’s reply was rather shocking. The doctor replied, “As long as you can continue to pay the RM3,000.00 per day for the ICU and hospital charges”. Jack was in a dilemma. He called the government hospitals to see if they could accommodate his father. However, the government hospitals turned down his request as the prospect of Jack’s father recovering was very remote and it wouldn’t be fair to those patients who have good prospect of surviving and who needed the facilities.

Jack told me he didn’t know what to do. He sat down in the waiting room and cried. While closing his eyes, he heard a voice in him that said, “What would your father do in such circumstances?” In other words, put yourself in your father’s shoes. What do you think your father would do? Jack knew that his father was one of the most unselfish person he has ever known. Jack’s father would always put his family first and had often talked about providing a good future and career for his children. Jack said suddenly he did not feel guilty about the decision that he was going to make. That afternoon, Jack decided to take his father home. The whole family agreed and supported his decision.

The above story shows that if you put yourself in the shoes of the person and would really want to get a feel of the person’s reaction, you need to visualize that you are the person. Slowly feel the person’s senses and allow whatever thoughts come in feely. In Jack’s case, Jack became his father. Because Jack knew his father’s personality and habit, it was much easier for Jack to be in his father’s character. This is such a powerful technique that a German by the name of Dr Bert Hellinger used it to develop a very effective therapy called “Family Constellations”. For further information, please see (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Constellations). I have been to one of the “Family Constellations” and was very impressed with it. Seeing is indeed believing!