What is “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”? “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” has been defined in Wikipedia as “indirect expression of hostility such as sarcasm, hostile jokes, stubbornness or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks of which one is responsible”. In other words, being “passive resistant” to what is expected or required by the person. Instead of being frank, honest or direct, the person will show his or her anger or displeasure by being sarcastic or even cracking improper jokes, usually targeting the person that the Passive Aggressor is annoyed with. An example here would be the “silent treatment”. From my experience, I can say that I have encountered many times where my loved ones just refused to talk to me until one of us breaks the ice. Were they demonstrating “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”? Perhaps, but fortunately for me most of the time, they would come to a realisation that it is rather immature for them to act that way and before you know it, they will cool down and end that “icy treatment”.
It was said that the cause of “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” may “stem from a childhood environment, where it was not safe to express frustration or anger”, thus leaving the Passive Aggressor giving hints of his or her displeasure. I must say that we, Asians, tend to demonstrate “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” more than any other groups. The reason could be because we were thought from young to express ourselves indirectly so as not to hurt the other person’s feelings. For example, if we want something, we would not say it directly. Instead we would tell the person a long story and hopefully the person will get the hint as we have been taught by our parents that telling the person directly will be rude and impolite. With that mindset, we also apply the same when we are angry or when someone hurt us emotionally, thus resulting “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”.
So how do we deal with a person who demonstrates “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”? My answer would be to “take the bull by the horns” - in other words do exactly the opposite of what a Passive Aggressor would do. When I did my training in hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) many years ago, I remembered a technique called “Speed Induction”. “Speed Induction” is quick way to get a person into a trance (provided that you have already built strong rapport with the person) where you basically “shock and awe” the person without the person even expecting it. For example, asking the person to place his or her hand on yours’ and then instruct the person to press your hand down as hard as possible. When they least expect it, drop your hand and then say the word loudly in a commanding tone, “SLEEP” and more likely than not the person will go into a trance. So by using that principle, you can apply the same to the Passive Aggressor. Of course, you do not ask the Passive Aggressor to go to sleep but rather you can start by saying the things that the Passive Aggressor has been avoiding. In order words, "shock and awe" the person. For example, if the Passive Aggressor refused to perform a task, it is not because the Passive Aggressor does not want to do it but because the person does not want to be told or ordered around. You see, Passive Aggressors too have a lot of ego in them. By saying directly to the Passive Aggressor what the person refuses to say may make the Passive Aggressor uncomfortable and sometimes even feeling bashful. However, do not criticise or be rude, reframe if possible. For example, “I will leave it to you to do the job but with your experience and knowledge, I have no doubt that you will be able to determine the best software to run on this computer. If you need any assistance, please let me know”. By looking at the example, you will see that the Passive Aggressor was not criticised but instead the person was praised and at the same time, the person’s task was also defined with the expectation clearly stated by the client or boss. Everyone is happy including the Passive Aggressor. Remember, you may not be able to change a person from demonstrating “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” but you can definitely work with the person by showing empathy and dealing it in an effective and positive way.
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