Stories relating to Self Esteem (2) - Personally, one of the finest moments for me as a lawyer

 Incident No. 2

This is the second story relating to Self Esteem. It happened close to 18 years ago and I could still remember it vividly because it was like a story out of a Hollywood movie. This incident was the result of a murder, suspected infidelity, jail and young children. You may asked me what has all of that got to do with Self Esteem? Well, nothing directly but the consequences deeply impacted the children’s self esteem.

It all happened one day when my mother’s long time facial therapist enquired if I was able to assist her nephews and nieces in sorting out their financial matters including a real estate property. Initially, I thought they were all grown-ups but when I was told of their age, I was taken aback. They were all minors except for one who had just attained the age of majority. Naturally, the first question I asked was  “What happened to their parents?”. The aunt replied, “Father is in jail. Mother is deceased.” According to the aunt, except for the eldest who has a boyfriend, the rest of them are living with the late mother’s sister. The aunt then said, “I know lawyers are expensive and they don’t have much money.......”. I told her not to worry about that, bring all the documents to me and allow me to have a look. I informed her that once I have seen all of the documents, I will call them to come to my office for a discussion.

A few days later, I received an envelope containing a stack of documents. When I opened up the envelope, I found bank statements, a copy of the title deed and lots of newspaper cuttings. Initially, I thought it was the late mother’s obituaries. However, when I picked up one of the cuttings, I was shocked to discover that the late mother was murdered. What was even more shocking was that the murderer was none other than the father himself who was then awaiting sentence in prison. The newspaper cuttings contained a number of gruesome pictures and also heart wrenching photos of the children clearly in distraught. Sometimes, this made me wonder about the standard of reporting and ethics in journalism. Personally, I do not agree of publishing such photos in magazines, newspapers or any other publications.

Based on the newspaper report, the children’s father was a push cart fruit seller while the mother had recently got a job helping out in a coffee shop. Money was tight for the family, so the mother worked long hours. Apparently, the owner of the coffee shop was rather sympathetic to the mother and frequently asked her to take back the remaining food for her family at the closing of each business day. Meanwhile, the father was becoming suspicious of the business owner who had been very kind to his wife. The father had frequently quarreled with the wife about the business owner’s kindness shown towards the wife. One evening, the father who was heavily intoxicated waited for the wife to return from work. As usual, the coffee shop closed rather late and the wife came back all tired and ready to go to bed. The father insisted that the wife spent some intimate time with him but the wife refused saying she was tired. That triggered the father. He became infuriated and accused her of many things. The quarrel then escalated resulting the father stabbing the mother numerous times. The heart wrenching part is that while all of this was happening, the children were present. You can imagine how difficult it had been for the kids. Even as I typed this article, I could still feel a lump in my throat thinking about it.

After studying the documents, I was ready to meet the children and called them in for a meeting. There were five of them who came including the eldest daughter’s boyfriend.  The eldest daughter being older and more mature was the spokesperson. I was amazed with her emotional strength as she related to me the incident and the help she needed. The rest of the kids were polite and rather quiet. When I saw them, they had very low self esteem as they felt defeated that they could not do anything to save the mother’s life and also, they have been shunned by many so called friends due to the incident. Putting aside all emotions, I proposed to them how we are going to proceed from there and this involved getting the father to sign some documents. I informed them that I will need to go to the prison to explain the contents of the documents to the father and then to witness his signature. I invited them to come with me but all them refused. They told me that they could not forgive what the father had did to the mother. They didn’t want to have anything to do with him at all. On one hand, I could understand where they were coming from but on the other hand, I felt that this would not solve the ordeal, the emotions, the low self esteem and more importantly to find closure, which they really needed. So, I told them to come with me and just make the introduction so that the father know my role and purpose of the visit. I told them, it would take less than 5 minutes. The eldest daughter informed me that she will come with me. She and her boyfriend will meet me at the prison. So, we fixed the appointment and agreed to meet in front of the prison on that appointed day and time.

On that fateful day, I was surprised to find that all of the siblings were there besides the sister and her boyfriend. Together, we went to the reception area of the Prison to register our visit. The warden who was manning the counter informed us that he couldn’t allow me to go in with the prisoner’s children as I would be going in as a professional person (ie: lawyer) while the rest would be visiting the prisoner as family members. Leaving me with no choice, I told the children to go ahead and see their dad first. More importantly, to let him know that I am the lawyer and the purpose of my visit. Due to security reason, I was not allowed to enter the prisoner’s visitor area until all the children are completely out from the area. While waiting for the kids to come out, a warden approached me and out of curiosity, asked me why did I come to the prison because as far as he knew the prisoner had a court appointed lawyer and the lawyer had since discharged himself from representing the prisoner any further. I told him that I was representing the eldest daughter and her siblings. The prison warden informed me that the prisoner was just like an ordinary “uncle” and at one stage was placed in a mental facility because he got very agitated and guilty whenever he recalled the incident. He would hit his head against the wall whenever he recalled the incident. The prison warden said that the prosecution team said that they could assist in recommending a life imprisonment if the prisoner’s lawyer make a written request for it. Since currently, there was no one representing him, the prison warden asked me to consider representing the prisoner and make the request on the prisoner’s behalf. While giving some thoughts to that discussion, I couldn’t help but noticed that the children’s visit had taken more than 5 minutes and we were closely approaching an hour. When the children came out, they told me it was a good visit and I could see teary eyes in most of them. I bid them farewell and proceeded to visit the prisoner.

When I walked into the prisoner’s visitor area, a man in prison uniform whom I recognised as the father quickly stood up and greeted me. I couldn’t help but noticed that he was handcuffed, meaning that the prisoner could be dangerous and there were wardens just a few feet from the cell for my safety. The first thing he did was that the prisoner took out a can of soda and offered it to me. I knew that the can of soda was considered as a “luxury item” as it was bought from the prisoners’ canteen with hard earned prison wages. I told him to keep it and save it for himself later. However, he insisted and pulled the tab from the can and passed it to me. There was no way to say “no” now. I asked him whether his children had told him about me and the purpose of my visit. He nodded so I proceeded to explain to him the contents of the documents. He was listening closely and at times smiling to himself as if he was a happy man. By the time, I finished explaining, I asked him if he had any questions for me. He said, “no” but he said that he would like to say “thank you” to me for looking after his children’s affairs. I felt that this would be the right time to tell him what the prison warden told me about requesting for a life imprisonment rather than capital punishment. He just shook his head and informed me that he was aware of it and he had been informed a number of times by the prison wardens. Even his previous lawyer advised him the same thing but he refused to request for a lighter sentence. He told me it was time for him to pay for his crime and to meet his Maker (ie: he was prepared to die for his crime). He said even if he was released, he could never forgive himself and he will be shunned by his family and friends. He said his time was up in this world and this was his decision. There was nothing further for me to say, so I stood up and shook his hand. I bid him farewell knowing that would be the last time I would be seeing him and wish him well.

A few days later after everything had been completed, I called the eldest daughter to drop by my office to collect the documents. At this point, I just want to say that never had anytime did she ever asked me about the cost or bill for the services and neither did I mention about the cost. So, I was at peace knowing that on the day when she comes to pick up the documents, that will be that and everyone will be happy. No need for anyone to be uneasy and that makes my life happier. On that appointed day, she came with her boyfriend and collected all of the documents. I went through with her one document after the other so that she was aware what the documents were. After everything was done, I wished them all the best and opened the door for them to leave. However, they just stood there and asked me that dreaded question, “How much for your services?”. Again, I was reminded of my experience in USC, so I said, “the disbursements (out of pocket expenses) is so much (can’t remember exactly how much now). Don’t worry, you can pay me anytime” and I quickly showed them to the door. The eldest daughter may be young but she was definitely not naive. She said, “That is your disbursements but what about your fee?”. I just stood there dumbfounded, didn’t know what to say. She opened up her bag and shove a stack of notes into my hand. I could see a few fifties and hundreds. The money looked like it came from their savings. I took enough for the disbursements and gave her back the rest, saying “Take care of your brothers and sister. I am sure your mother would want that”. I again quickly showed them to the door telling her, I will mail her the receipt and I have another appointment that I need to attend to. I closed the door before they could say anything. I thought that was the end of it but I was wrong!

Several months later, as a matter of fact, a week or so before Chinese New Year, our then maid who worked for my parents in the family home informed me that somebody had been calling the Klang residence asking for “Lawyer Tan”. When the maid asked who the person is, the person quickly replied, “That’s okay” and hanged up. The maid informed me that the person had been calling a number of times and it made me wonder whether this person was stalking me! At that time, I was living about 35km away from the family home. One day, I visited the family home and was pleasantly surprised to find a huge hamper filled with goodies with my name on it. My mum informed me that her facial therapist’s nephews and nieces came to the house with the hamper. Apparently, they were very grateful for what I have done for them and decided to show their appreciation by presenting the hamper in conjunction with Chinese New Year. I was very touched and humbled by their very kind gesture. This was one of the best memories I have as a lawyer and will always cherished it.

 

Stories relating to Self Esteem (1)

We are going to take a break on cross-cultural issues and talk about something which is equally important to all of us - self esteem. Self esteem is about a person’s self worthiness. Some people think highly of themselves, while others, not quite. Most of us have this inherent duty to make other people feel good about themselves, especially for those people who are disadvantaged. However, one has to be careful that your help or assistance given is not seen or perceived as been sympathetic. Many years ago when I was a student at University of Southern California (USC), I saw a physically challenged lady struggling with her wheel chair in one of the old buildings. Like most old buildings, the doors were really heavy. She was quite a distance away from the door but nevertheless, I decided to hold the door open for her. She saw me doing that and said loudly, “Let the door go”. Thinking that she was being polite, I told her, “That okay, I will hold the door for you”. Instead of being appreciative, suddenly the lady shouted in an angry voice, “Shut the door, NOW!!!”.  I let the door go and was annoyed with the lady in the wheel chair. I was thinking to myself that this was one of the rudest and most ungrateful lady I have ever came across. After a few days when I began to cool down, I revisited the incident and felt that maybe my opinion on this lady was a bit too harsh. Perhaps, she didn’t want to feel vulnerable and by helping her, it would affect her self esteem. The lady wanted to be self-reliant and boost her self confidence that she could do things for herself and be independent. This proves to be a very important lesson for me later on when I became a lawyer. I am going to share with you two incidents that illustrated this point:-

Incident No. 1

An old family friend by the name of Rudy Lim (who has since passed away) asked an old  ex-colleagiue who used to work as a waiter at the old Federal Hotel to see me with regard to drafting a Will for him. One day, this elderly Hainanese gentleman walked into my office with an old plastic bag containing some important documents. This elderly gentleman could speak very little English, so we spoke Malay, Hokkien and Cantonese (two Chinese dialects which I am not very good at) and some English. Somehow, I managed to follow his instructions. Finally, my father who speaks Hainanese came in as an interpreter just to make sure that I got the instructions correctly. By the way, the elderly gentleman’s face lit up when he saw my father as he could remember him back in those days when he was a waiter and my father was a regular customer at the coffee house. Because it was a complicated Will, I told the elderly gentleman to come back the following week and I will go through the Will with him.

Next week, the elderly gentleman came in with an old envelope and held it tightly like a prized possession. I went through the Will with him and when he was satisfied with the contents, he asked me how much was my fee as he wanted to pay me. My immediate thought was to inform the elderly gentleman that the Will was done with my best compliments but then I remembered about the incident that happened many years ago at USC. I didn’t want to make the elderly gentleman feel that I pitied him or in anyway affect his self-esteem, so I informed him that my total fee is RM10.00 (my rate for drafting a complicated Will such as that would have been RM700.00). He looked at me and didn’t say a thing. I thought to myself, “That’s good, it won’t affect his self esteem as he doesn’t know how much a lawyer would actually charge for drafting such a Will. I didn’t want him to feel that I pitied or felt sorry for him. He just reached for his old envelope and to my surprise, he pulled out a few hundred ringgit (RM) and pushed them into my palm. I told him my fee is only RM10.00 and I told him I didn’t have change for such big amount! He said to me, “Don’t be silly, you are not charging me what you are suppose to charge me. You are too kind”. I gave him back the money and told him that either he give me RM10.00 or the Will would be given to him free of charge. There were a few arguments here and there and finally he reluctantly took the few hundred ringgit and gave me the RM10.00. As he was leaving, I told him, “Wait, I need to write you a receipt”. He looked at me in surprise and said, “You want to give me a receipt for that amount?”. I replied, “Yes, all monies must be accounted for and placed in the trust account before I can take it out”. He looked at me in amazement, shook his head and just smiled. We shook hands and that was the last I saw of him. I hope his self esteem was not affected but from the look of things, I could see that he was happy and so was I.

Well, I will continue my second story in the next posting as I do not intend to make this post too long. Have a terrific day, everyone!

Culture shock - then and now (Part 1)

The Australian Dispute Resolution Centre (ADRC) in carrying out its research on cross cultural relationships will produce a series of articles examining people who had undergone cultural shock 30 years ago compared with today. It is hope that this research will help people from different cultural background who have moved to a new country, to adapt better and live a happier life. In this article we will look at Culture Shock - then and now. As we all know, the effect of Culture Shock on people who recently moved to a new country compared to 30 years ago is very different due to modern technology and an almost borderless world. So now sit back and enjoy the first installment of this series.

Culture shock used to be one of the main concern whenever a person migrates or leaves for overseas for a long period of stay. Back in the 1980s before I left for the United States of America for my studies, I was given a pamphlet by the “Malaysian American Commission Educational Exchange” (MACEE) on how to deal with culture shock. This is especially true for people for has never left his or her country of origin, let alone moving to another country. I know a few friends who have never flown in an airplane until that fateful day when they left to further their studies in overseas. I remember the pamphlet talked about the 3 phases that the students would most likely go through. The first phase is the “honeymoon phase” where the student would be excited and fascinated with the new country and culture. Everything is new, therefore the student can’t wait to experience and explore life in this new country. It is like having a holiday in this new country. The second phase is the “negotiation phase” or “awareness phase” where usually after a few months, the student began to feel homesick due to the difference between the student’s culture and the culture of the new country. This could also be due to the familiarity which the student misses (eg: family, loved ones, friends, familiar places), language barrier, availability of food from the country of origin and the system and manner the way things are carried out in the new country. Sometimes, this may lead to the student being frustrated, anxious and angry. This is a crucial stage for the student. As this stage will determine whether the student has the ability to adapt or “throw in the towel” and to return to his/her country of origin. There are people who persevere and they are those who call it quits and willing to forego everything to return to the comfort of his/her home country. The third phase is called the “adjustment phase” or the “acceptance phase” where the student began to adapt and accept the new culture and develop his/her routine. The MACEE pamphlet also states that part of the adjustment is that the student began to realise that he/she is going to spend only a small part of his/her life in the new country and should take the opportunity to experience as much as possible. Keeping in mind that MACEE’s pamphlet was meant for students who would eventually return to their country of origin, therefore there were only 3 phases which were highlighted. However, for people who are migrating to a new country, there is a fourth phase known as the “mastery phase” where the person has adapted very well and has assimilated and able to participate in the new country’s culture. By adapting well to the new culture does not mean that the person has lost his/her identity of his country of origin. The person may still speak with the same accent, practised his/her religion, recognising his/her culture and still enjoying food from his/her native country. However, the person can now experience two different cultures. The person is in a good place called “bicultural” stage.

When I went to the US for my studies back in 1980s, technology was not as advanced as today. Computers, mobile phones and e-mails were very rare. As for Skype, Facetime, Tango and Viber, they were not in existence. I remembered at one time, AT&T (an American telephone company) was promoting their services on campus, especially to the foreign students. They were allowing people to make 1 minute phone call at no charge to anywhere in the world. Foreign students were queueing up, making long lines, just to get that rare opportunity to talk to their loved ones back home for free. As for me, I was fortunate as my brother and I lived in the same apartment and we get to speak to our parents at least once a week. We have to be mindful of the time difference as well. Living in different time zone also contributed to culture shock as well. When I was living in the US, I was yearning for news from back home, anything familiar that I thought would help me to adjust to life in this new country without losing the familiarity. My father would from time to time, cut interesting articles from various Malaysian newspapers and snail mail them to me. I was also in touch and corresponded with few of my classmates back in Klang at that time including a person by the name of Andrew Gerard Nathan whom unfortunately, I have lost in touch as time goes by. Each letter which I mailed to Malaysia, I would be anxiously waiting for a reply. It became such an obsession that I actually calculated that it will take 14 days to get a reply from Malaysia provided that the person reply to my letter almost immediately! My apartment had posters from beautiful holiday places in Malaysia pasted on the walls (courtesy of Tourism Malaysia) and not forgetting a Malaysian flag as well. There wasn’t any web surfing then, so I would frequently flipped through the Malaysia Year Book (there used to be a Year Book for every year) and reminiscing everything about Malaysia. So, as you can see, by not letting go, I am burying myself deep into culture shock.

Luckily for people like us who were in the US, we had a rough idea on how the life in the US was going to be, thanks to the Hollywood movies and TV shows shown in Malaysia at that time. The shows did not reflect the actual life in the US but were close enough. So, in that sense, the culture shock was cushioned slightly. I was in my second phase, “Negotiation Phase” when I realised that I needed to get my degree by hook or by crook. I was very fortunate to be studying at one of US top universities and I was going to make the best of it. Those days, to have a degree was a major thing. There was no such thing as twinning programme or degree mills. The only way to get a degree was to undergo a four year programme. The perseverance and the motivation kept me going and I was able to overcome “the negotiation phase”. The third phase of “adjustment” came quite easily when I made new friends not only with Americans but people from other countries such as Honduras, Guatemala, etc and found that they were all humans and have their own challenges. In other words, they were no different from you or me. The 4 years spent in the US were wonderful and it enriched me in more ways than one. Stay tune for the second part to this series.

"Take one step at a time. Don't think too much" v Multi-tasking

Which do you prefer - multi-tasking or performing one task at a time? I remember when I was a young lawyer at one of the leading law firms in Kuala Lumpur, the Senior Partner used to tell the young lawyers that we must learn how to multi-task. According to the Senior Partner, multi-tasking to a lawyer means while balancing the telephone receiver  between your face and your shoulder, your hands should also be working. One hand will be flipping through the file while the other one hand will be jotting important points into your legal notepad. All of these are done simultaneously while you are speaking to your client! At that time, the law firm was having major staff movement, (ie: staff members leaving to join other firms), therefore we were in urgent need of getting replacement staff but the Senior Partner was in no hurry to get them, thus the advice of “multi-tasking” to the lawyers.

I would humbly submit that all of us multi-tasked every week if not everyday in our lives. Really? Yes, for example, listening to music and reading a book or newspaper. Another example, would be leaving the television on and surfing the internet on your computer. You will noticed that when a person multi-tasked, the person is in fact enhancing the use of more than one of his or her senses (ie: visual, auditory and kinesthetic). If we look at the first example, the person is sharpening both his or her visual and auditory senses (ie: reading a book and listening to music) simultaneously. It is a challenge to focus on more than one thing at a time but if you can achieve that, then you are in a pretty good standing.

As for me, multi-tasking is quite a challenge for me. The reason is because I am not a very patient person. When a person is impatient, the person gets distracted very quickly and sometimes get his or her priority wrong. For example, say I am working on a complicated case and began to make some progress when suddenly another file marked “URGENT” was placed on my table with the instructions that the Agreement must be prepared and ready by tomorrow for discussion. Before I could even put down that file, another file was placed on my table that pleadings are to be prepared and file in Court by 4.00pm the next day. Meanwhile, phone calls have been coming in constantly disrupting my focus and concentration on my files in hand. So what should I do in such circumstances? Panic? That would be the natural response but as we know (at least logically), panicking would not benefit anyone. As a matter of fact, panicking would be a waste of time and it will hinder us from moving forward. From my past experience, I can say that I would be spending more time worrying what am I going to do rather than actually moving forward and doing it. That was until I saw an old experience lawyer at work. Given a similar situation, this man would coolly take his legal notepad and neatly write down what he needed to do. I noticed his movements were pretty constant as if he has got all the time in the world. After writing down all his tasks, he leaned back on his chair and gave some thoughts to what he needed to do. After giving some thoughts, he began to number his tasks based on what he felt should be the priority. I looked at this man with admiration and I asked him how could he remain so cool in such circumstances. Surprisingly, he could still looked at me and gave me a smile even though there were so many pressing matters that needed to be attended to.  He said to me, “Just because they put the file on my table and needed it to be done by such and such date doesn’t mean that I have to accept that instruction. If it is so “URGENT” as they said, then they should have given me the file much earlier. I know how to access my own ability and time management. No point stressing unnecessary. I will tell them that all of my work are done to my best of ability. I do not believe in doing “half past six” (Malaysian colloquial for half heartedly) work, I have my reputation to maintain. If they insist that they want it to be done tomorrow, they can take the work somewhere else. We don’t need such clients. Some of the other files, I have put a mark on it so that I can delegate to other lawyers who can handle it. You see, you don’t have to panic, take one step at a time and don’t think too much otherwise it will affect your health.” That was a good piece of advice - “Take one step at a time. Don’t think too much”. You see, many a times, we tend to over think and worry. It is fine to worry because you are concern but if you have done all that you can, then be satisfied and “take one step at a time”. As the Greek philosopher, Heraclitus said, “The only constant is change” and who knows, between now and the future, things may change again and you will need to adapt to that change and make it beneficial to you.

"Be Prepared" - a very important Scout Motto

The Scout's Motto - "Be Prepared"

“Be Prepared” - that is the Scout’s motto. Unfortunately I was never a member of the Scout movement but my dad was a King’s Scout (now known as Queen’s Scout and the highest level that a Scout can achieved in the British Commonwealth) and my brother was a patrol leader. As for me, I joined the Red Crescent Society (Red Cross Society) because I wanted to be different and also because I admired the smart uniform that Red Crescent Society members were wearing at that time - beret and lanyard. Yes, I know, I was a vain person!

I noticed that most people who were Scouts tend to adhere to that positive motto “Be Prepared”. For example, my dad adhered to that motto when he was a Scout; then he continued to give meaning to that motto when he became an adult; he proudly demonstrated the words in that motto when he became a father and now he can proudly say as a grandfather that he has stayed true to the motto all these years. When I was a young kid, traveling with him was always interesting. He always carried a small portable kettle with him together with some instant coffee and tea. Those were the days where the hotels did not have coffee and tea making facilities in their rooms. Inside his black briefcase, he would carry a small torch light (flash light), a pen knife, a small pair of scissors, an alarm clock, tissues and a small bag of toiletries. Those were the days when the airport authorities would allowed you to carry those things by hand on board the flight. He used to tell us to carry a torch light (flash light) whenever we checked into a hotel because based on statistics, many people perished in the fire not because of smoke suffocation but because they couldn’t see where they were going in the dark. A good piece of advice which I do not intend to take lightly.

In any negotiation or meeting, we should always “be prepared” before we enter into that “arena”. I know it is common sense but these are simple things that we tend to forget or ignored because it is just too simple! When I was practising law in Malaysia, I had an influential client who was well connected with the Government and knew people of high places. At that time, one of the biggest topic that was in everyone’s mind was “who is going to be the next Deputy Prime Minister of Malaysia?” after Abdullah Badawi took over the Prime Ministership. The two main contenders then were Najib Razak or Muhyiddin Yassin. So one early morning, I had an important meeting with my influential client. To impress my client, I thought I would talk politics to my client to show that I was keeping abreast with the latest political scene. So, I decided to give him my theory on who and why I thought would most likely be the Deputy Prime Minister. I gave my long and complex theory to my client while he just sat there and listened quietly. He didn’t say a word to me so I thought I was making headway and looking impressive. When I have finished with my theory, I asked who did he think would be the Deputy Prime Minister? He immediately said, “Najib Razak”. I was surprised as he wasn’t hesitant neither did he gave his reason. So, I asked him, did he get that from his connections or the grapevine? He said, “neither”. He got it from yesterday’s late night news and this morning’s paper. That was one of my most embarrassing moments, as the answer was right there for all to see and I failed to see it because I was not “prepared” before I raised the subject. Therefore, from then on, the Scout's motto of “Be Prepared” has become part of my living principles!

4 Simple Steps to become a Good Listener

We can learn and gather a lot of information by just listening. However, many of us tend to talk more than we listen. When we talk and people listen to us, we feel a surge of power and greatness. What it basically does is that it feeds our ego and all of us do have have some ego in us. The fact that if one says that he or she does not have any ego, that statement itself is an egoistic statement! There is an old saying that states “God gives us two ears and one mouth because God wants us to listen more and talk less!”. So let’s look at the 4 simple steps that will make us a good listener!

Step 1 - “Keep an open mind”

Keeping an open mind means do not assume or make assumptions. As someone once said “by assuming means making an “ass out of u and me” !” Simple advice but we tend to disregard it when the conversation or negotiation becomes too vigorous. I remembered when I first started my legal practice, I had an attractive lady who came to see me in my office. She told me that she had left her husband and wanted to divorce him. The first thing that came across my mind was that the husband was involved with a third party, ie: infidelity. Looking at her, my immediate thoughts were “her husband is an idiot!”. When the attractive young lady started telling me her story, it became apparent that it wasn’t the husband who was involved in infidelity, as a matter of fact, it was her! She readily admitted to the infidelity and suddenly my feelings were sympathy for her husband.  However, as she continued her story, I felt sad for her as she had suffered an abusive relationship. As you can see, it is dangerous to make assumptions or even to draw your own conclusion before hearing out what the other person has to say. So, my advice would be to  keep an open mind and don’t draw conclusions!

Step 2 - Let the person vent with minimum interruption

The best way to let a person release “steam” is to allow the person to vent. You can gather a lot of information by allowing the person to vent. Sometimes the person may not even realised that he/she has told you things which you are not supposed to know. Therefore, you need to keep interruption to a minimum. Unless it is really necessary, let the person vent until his/her heart content and take mental notes of the relevant information you are gathering. By interrupting, you may lose the opportunity of obtaining vital information

Step 3 - Analyse the information and ask follow up questions

Once you have obtained the information, analyse them and then ask follow up questions for clarification. By analysing information, you are testing the “data” so to speak, to see if it is valid or not, ie: fact or fiction. Therefore, ask follow up questions which are relevant. The objective of the relevant questions is to help you to get the information that you require in order for you to decide your next move or next cause of action

Step 4 - Determination

Once you have got the relevant information, now is the time to determine your next cause of action as to how you want to move forward with the conversation, negotiation or resolving the dispute.

My father used to tell me smart people are usually the quiet ones. They don’t talk very much but they listen very closely to what the person has to say. As they listened, they gather information and learned. When I looked back, I absolutely agree with my father’s theory. Looking back at my school years, many of the top students were quiet people - humble, modest and well, people with very few words. I used to think that was because they were nerdy, loner or just merely being strange. After listening to my father’s theory, now I know better. Therefore, the phrase “empty vessels make the most noise” has some merit to it. So, the next time when you are in the train, bus or in a public place, just listen to the people around you and see what vital information you can gather. This would help to sharpen your auditory skill and perhaps make you a smarter person as well!

Building rapport in cross-cultural communication

When we talk about Mediation, we talk about meeting the parties’ needs. In other words, what do the parties really want and how do we satisfy those needs. However, in cross cultural negotiations, we have to look beyond the parties’ needs in order to obtain a positive outcome. We have to understand the parties’ culture to build rapport. Growing up in a multi-cultural country like Malaysia, we are frequently exposed to different races and cultures. From the Western world’s perspective, they could all be lumped into one group and simply labelled as “Asians” but one needs to understand that within “Asians”, there are many other sub-groups of people such as Japanese, Koreans, Indians, Chinese, Malays, Thais, etc. Each group may have their own different cultural values where the other groups may not be aware of. Therefore, doing a bit of homework and getting to know the person’s culture will do wonders.

However, I wish to caution that understanding the other person’s culture does not mean that you have to be that person of that particular culture. Let me give you an example, I have come across people who have tried to imitate the person of that different culture when they speak. For instance, a non-Chinese person imitates a Chinese native speaker when he speaks English to the former. The person’s intention may be good, in the sense that he wanted to make the Chinese person feel comfortable but at the same time, it could also be perceived as an insult when everyone knows that the non-Chinese person could speak English really well. So, in my opinion, do not overdo it. If you want to make the person feel comfortable, speak slowly and whenever possible, use simple and proper language. If you know certain Chinese words (as in our example) or phrases, use them by interjecting them into your vocabulary when you speak to the Chinese native speaker. I can say with confidence that the Chinese native speaker would be pleased and perhaps even put a smile to his or her face. 

I remembered some years ago in an industrial relations case, my client who is the employer attended a tribunal where an ex-employee claimed that he was wrongfully dismissed. The ex-employee was a European man married to a Malay lady. On the day of the hearing, my client’s Human Resource Director who was dressed in his usual office wear was taken by surprise when he saw his ex-employee wearing an elaborate Malay traditional costume. From the way he wore the traditional costume, it was obvious that this was not his usual dressing. It was safe to assume then that the ex-employee was simply putting on a “show” at the tribunal and perhaps, hoping to score a few points with the Chairman of the Tribunal. Well, the HR Director told me that the Chairman of the Tribunal was not impressed and proceeded to hear the case without being swayed by the person’s dressing. Apparently, at one stage the Chairman of the Tribunal enquired from the ex-employee who was clearly uncomfortable and sweating profusely whether he would want a short adjournment so that he could changed to something more comfortable. However the European man declined. So there you have it, this was clearly another act that had gone overboard. When you want to create rapport with a person of different culture, both parties must be comfortable, do your homework to learn more about the person’s culture and do not go overboard.

At the Australian Dispute Resolution Centre, we are constantly researching and finding ways that can help to create rapport amongst people from different cultural background.  We are looking at verbal or physical gestures that will create better understanding amongst people of different races and cultures. Hopefully, we will be able to compile a list that will help to create a world of tolerance and friendship.

Dealing with Anxiety

Have you ever felt nervous while waiting for your exam results or perhaps even feeling afraid of a pending surgery in the hospital? If we look at it carefully, it is not the exam results or the surgery itself that made us afraid, it is more of the unknown and uncertainty that make us anxious. Anxious will turn into nervousness which will then lead us to being afraid.

Recently, my friend’s wife who is living in Sydney has been “freaking out” (in his words) because of a pending major surgery which the doctors have recommended. My friend informed me  that his wife had been having sleepless nights, tossing and turning because she was so afraid of the surgery. I told him that her "freaking out" is related more to the anxiety rather than to the surgery itself. As human beings, we are most vulnerable when we do not know what to expect or the unknown. Usually, we will go through to two phases. The first phase will be the anxiety and then the second phase will be waiting to get it over with. In the case of my friend’s wife, this will come when she has a long wait for a date to undergo the surgery. After a long waiting period for a surgery date, she will just want to get the surgery over with and hope for the earliest possible surgery date. From this case, you can see a total change and turn of event - from her being afraid to her being impatient to get the surgery done.

In my law practice, I have clients who have never been sued or even seen a lawyer before coming into my office. Sometimes they are frank and tell me that they are nervous as they have not been sued or gone to Court before and do not know what to expect. This situation fits in nicely with the anxiety that we have been talking about. They feel most vulnerable in such situation, ie: the “unchartered territory”. In this case, just advising them to calm down and relax will be of little help because those are just mere words, the clients want their lawyers to prepare and advise them to the best of their lawyers’ knowledge as to what to expect from the other side and in Court. Therefore, always be frank to your clients and explain to them step by step, though I acknowledged it is impossible to predict what the other side will do. The best you can do is to give them the best calculated guess. In other words, give them an idea so that they would know what to expect and be prepared.

I remembered when I was a final year law student, I was anxious and extremely nervous as the final exam result will either see me through to be a lawyer or may render me to stay back and repeat another semester of law studies. It is easy to predict if you are a top student but for people like me who is just an average student, this was a situation of either make or break for me. I remembered when I got my results, my anxiety just disappeared and found that my nervousness and anxiety was due to the waiting and not so much due to the result. Well, some of you may say that is because I passed the final exam which is true but this was exactly the same feeling I had when I was in high school. My weakest subject was mathematics. I was really nervous when I knew that the Maths teacher would at anytime be returning our Maths exam papers together with the score. I couldn’t sleep for a few days. There were a few false alarms such as when the Maths teacher came to class and said that he had left the exam papers at home and therefore, couldn’t return the exam papers to us. It was a moment of relief for me but I knew that eventful day would come soon. The second time, we were told by the Principal’s office that the Maths teacher fell sick and therefore we wouldn’t be getting our maths results. Again, a short celebration and relief. Finally the dreaded day came when the maths exam papers were handed back. Needless to say, I failed the maths exam. When I saw the failing mark, I didn’t feel sad or disappointed but surprisingly, it was a relief as if a load of weight had lifted from my shoulders. You see, I have been nervous and stress for far too long, it was no longer the results that was making me miserable, in fact it was the waiting. Let’s be realistic, it wasn’t unexpected. I knew I blew it when it came to the maths exam but somehow we tend to “torture” ourselves by putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves. So, remove that pressure and you will remove that anxiety!

How to deal with a person having "Passive Aggressive Behaviour"

What is “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”? “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” has been defined in Wikipedia as “indirect expression of hostility such as sarcasm, hostile jokes, stubbornness or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks of which one is responsible”. In other words, being “passive resistant” to what is expected or required by the person. Instead of being frank, honest or direct, the person will show his or her anger or displeasure by being sarcastic or even cracking improper jokes, usually targeting the person that the Passive Aggressor is annoyed with. An example here would be the “silent  treatment”. From my experience, I can say that I have encountered many times where  my loved ones just refused to talk to me until one of us breaks the ice. Were they demonstrating “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”? Perhaps, but fortunately for me most of the time, they would come to a realisation that it is rather immature for them to act that way and before you know it, they will cool down and end that “icy treatment”.

It was said that the cause of “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” may “stem from a childhood environment, where it was not safe to express frustration or anger”, thus leaving the Passive Aggressor giving hints of his or her displeasure. I must say that we, Asians, tend to demonstrate “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” more than any other groups. The reason could be because we were thought from young to express ourselves indirectly so as not to hurt the other person’s feelings. For example, if we want something, we would not say it directly. Instead we would tell the person a long story and hopefully the person will get the hint as we have been taught by our parents that telling the person directly will be rude and impolite. With that mindset, we also apply the same when we are angry or when someone hurt us emotionally, thus resulting “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”.

So how do we deal with a person who demonstrates “Passive Aggressive Behaviour”? My answer would be to “take the bull by the horns” - in other words do exactly the opposite of what a Passive Aggressor would do. When I did my training in hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) many years ago, I remembered a technique called “Speed Induction”. “Speed Induction” is quick way to get a person into a trance (provided that you have already built strong rapport with the person) where you basically “shock and awe” the person without the person even expecting it. For example, asking the person to place his or her hand on yours’ and then instruct the person to press your hand down as hard as possible. When they least expect it, drop your hand and then say the word loudly in a commanding tone, “SLEEP” and more likely than not the person will go into a trance. So by using that principle, you can apply the same to the Passive Aggressor. Of course, you do not ask the Passive Aggressor to go to sleep but rather you can start by saying the things that the Passive Aggressor has been avoiding. In order words, "shock and awe" the person. For example, if the Passive Aggressor refused to perform a task, it is not because the Passive Aggressor does not want to do it but because the person does not want to be told or ordered around. You see, Passive Aggressors  too have a lot of ego in them. By saying directly to the Passive Aggressor what the person refuses to say may make the Passive Aggressor uncomfortable and sometimes even feeling bashful. However, do not criticise or be rude, reframe if possible. For example, “I will leave it to you to do the job but with your experience and knowledge, I have no doubt that you will be able to determine the best software to run on this computer. If you need any assistance, please let me know”. By looking at the example, you will see that the Passive Aggressor was not criticised but instead the person was praised and at the same time, the person’s task was also defined with the expectation clearly stated by the client or boss. Everyone is happy including the Passive Aggressor. Remember, you may not be able to change a person from demonstrating “Passive Aggressive Behaviour” but you can definitely work with the person by showing empathy and dealing it in an effective and positive way.

Introducing the Australian Dispute Resolution Centre

It is great to be back! It has been a while since I wrote my last article. I have been spending quite a bit of time in planning and promoting the Australian Dispute Resolution Centre (ADRC) of which I currently served as the Director. The objective of ADRC is to promote, research and provide services in relation to resolving disputes involving people from different cultural background. This would include organising and conducting courses in relation to cross-cultural negotiation and communication skills. The ADRC is relatively new and one of ADRC’s unique feature is its seminar cum study tour to countries of different cultural background. The objective of the trip is to gain an understanding of that country’s  approach to negotiation, bargaining, decision making and settling of disputes as well as networking. The programme consists of a seminar and site visits to appreciate the local culture of that country.

ADRC is always looking for like minded partners to work, share and exchange ideas that will bring people from different cultures closer together. If you are interested in ADRC’s objectives or wants to know more, please feel free to contact me at st@adrc.net.au