Midlife Crisis and how to handle it

Well, midlife crisis used to be a laughing matter whenever it was brought up or discussed amongst friends. When I was in my 20s, I used to joke about it and burst out laughing whenever a much older person did a silly thing or something totally out of whack from his or her normal character. I will just burst out saying that the person is having a serious midlife crisis. When I was in my 30s, I continued making jokes about it though it wasn’t as funny as before. Now, when I am in my 40s, I find that it is no longer a laughing matter but could it be that I am right in the middle of it (no pun intended)?

So, how do you handle midlife crisis? Well, first of all, let us understand what is midlife crisis? According to Wikipedia, midlife is often a “time for reflection and assessment”. It goes on to say that a midlife crisis could be caused “by aging itself, or aging in combination with changes, problems, or regrets over:

- work or career (or lack thereof);

- spousal relationships (or lack thereof);

- maturation of children (or lack of children)

- aging or death of parents;

- physical changes associated with aging”

Looking at the above categories, I would say that I meet almost all of the categories except a couple. In my case, it became even more apparent and amplified when I moved to a new country where many things in my normal routine life have changed or needed changes. For example, being a busy legal practitioner in Kuala Lumpur, I have to adjust to a much more mundane and quieter life here in Sydney. Being in a new country, without a proper office or going to Court or attending meetings or solving legal issues, all of a sudden I felt useless or hopeless (my apologies as I can’t find a better word to describe it). Each day it is the same for me - doing some domestic work (not that I am complaining) and occasional gardening, it just didn’t really jive with me as I realised I needed to adjust and it will take some time. Also, looking at my kids maturing and growing up each day made me feel old (apologies as I can’t find a better word to describe it as well). I remembered looking at one of the  recent photos of a former classmate’s son on Facebook and made a remark along the line that the son looks like an adult and thought of him more like the ex classmate’s friend or colleague than a son. Another friend who heard my remark said to me, “It should come as no surprise as we are already in our forties”. When I looked at my friend closely, I also noticed that he has aged quite a bit. Though, the cut of his face still reminds me when we were in primary school but it is apparent that his hair has more grey than black and wrinkles are appearing quite generously on his face. To me, he is always the 10 year old kid that I know playing along side the school canteen or playing “police and thief” or “hantu kana” but to the new generation today, he is simply known as an Uncle. It makes me realised that I too am a Uncle to this generation. I always thought of myself as young person until someone reminded me I am a much older person when they called me Uncle. This reminded me of a funny incident some years ago. My then 8 year old son and me were attending a friend’s daugher’s wedding. Sitting at our table was Tan Sri Krishnan Tan (IJM Corporation Berhad). Since this kind of wedding was known for its delay in serving dinner, there were hors d’oeuvre (appetisers) on the table. Suddenly I heard Krishnan Tan who was sitting next to me said, “Here, young man, have some curry puff”. I took one and said, “thank you”. Krishnan Tan looked at me and said, “I was talking to your son”. Then it daunts on me that the term “young man” is no longer mine. It now belongs to my son and his generation.

Another criteria which I noticed are that the thoughts of dying are beginning to scare me more than before. I remembered when I was younger, I was gung ho and didn’t give a hoot about death and was a risk taker. In recent times, seeing a few friends of similar age passed on including a very dear aunty whom I always admired as a strong and healthy woman and whom I always believe that death is not possible (though as idealistic as I may be) passed on, it reminded me that one day, our close and dear ones too will depart and that would include me. I began to realise that we are just as mortal as anyone. These are things that I thought would never happen to me until now.

So, how do we handle midlife crisis? Well, I can’t speak for everyone but what I will do is that I will share my experience. First of all, acceptance. We need to accept that things have changed. We can no longer live the life that we have once lived before. Even going to my old town of Klang is not the same anymore. The town has now grown and there are many streets, shopping complexes and places that I do not recognise anymore. In other words, we have to go with the flow. Secondly, be happy and appreciate with what you have achieved. This would ease one of the symptoms of midlife crisis which is seeking recognition from friends and peers. According to wikipedia, a person experiencing midlife crisis have a constant feeling of “fear of humiliation among more successful colleagues” and friends. The best way to do this is to record your achievements, any achievement for that matter. It could be the day when you have your new born or when you got your first job or when you got married. For me, I have the billboard of my book “Mediation Skills and Techniques” hanging on my wall and of course, this blog to remind me of my life chronicles! Thirdly, be who you are and age gracefully - you do not need to proof to anyone! I noticed that a lot of people who are experiencing midlife crisis, would try to seek younger friends for company. The main reason being they want to feel and be young. They want to “associate” themselves with the younger generation and not accept that they have grown (remember the “power of association” which we talk about). Sometimes, people will go to the extent of finding youngish clothes, face uplift, etc - just to get themselves accepted by society. Hey, the society has already accepted you a long time ago, even longer than this young generation! A retired teacher who is in his late 70s once remarked to me that he has to dye his hair to cover the grey spot, otherwise, people will disrespect him. My take on this is that if they are not going to respect you then they are not worthy to have a conversation with as they will be merely superficial and a waste of time.

So, if my above writings bother you or for some reason made you feel uncomfortable - then that is a good sign! You are showing acceptance. You are accepting who you are - in other words, aging gracefully and becoming wiser every second! So embrace it and be proud of who you are. You will notice that this article is longer than usual. Yes, that is another symptom of midlife crisis - long winded! Cheers everyone and happy 2014!