Miscommunication, embarrassment and humility

This morning I was talking to a friend of mine about miscommunication and embarrassment. This friend of mine related to me a story about how a VIP was recently  invited to an event and instead of having the VIP deliver a speech and officiate the event, the VIP was “sidelined” in the sense that he wasn’t the keynote speaker so to speak (no pun intended) and he wasn’t given the honour of cutting the ribbon. Obviously and rightly too, the VIP was upset as the invitation that was communicated to him was that he was the keynote speaker and also to officiate the event the same time. The organising committee was embarrassed and had apologised profusely to the VIP.

I remember some years ago, I was invited to attend a luncheon event organised by the Malaysian Bar Council. The event was a compulsory lunch that marked the end of the Ethics Course for the soon-to-be lawyers. As I was one of the lecturers in the Ethics Course, I was an honoured guest and was shown to my seat which was right in front of the stage - a VVIP treatment if you can consider it that way. I was early, so I decided to take a stroll at the compound of the venue. When I returned a few minutes before the event started, I noticed that my seat was taken by someone else. I didn’t want to make a scene even though I was an honoured guest in the event, so I just stood there and waited for some help. A lady walked up to me and felt really embarrassed. She informed me that they had mixed up the names and thought that I would not be coming. She mentioned to me that all the seats have been taken except for one. She asked whether I would mind if I take that seat. I asked her to show me to the seat. Well, as you can imagine, the only seat available was right at the end of the room where you can hardly see the person on the stage. This was one of those seats which is perfect for slipping away quietly midway during lunch without anyone noticing!

She apologised to me profusely and wasn’t sure I would be offended and walked out of the event. I looked at her and then at the table and said to her, “You know what, this table is full of ladies. At my age, to get this treatment, I would need to pay money for their company but here I am getting them for free! And to boot, they are all going to be lawyers soon! So I should be thanking you for getting me this great seat.” I could see a huge relief appeared in her face. Well, I had good lunch and good company. Sometimes a bit of humility goes a long way.

"Rempeyek kacang" or "Nachos with peanuts" to some people!

Hello everyone, it has been about a week since we returned from Malaysia. Our kids were not too keen to visit Malaysia as they have settled really well here in Sydney. Our youngest gave a list of reasons why he didn’t want to visit Malaysia which include the heat, humidity, haze, etc. I listened to him patiently and refrained from challenging his reasons. At this young age, you want to encourage them to express themselves and not to shut or put them down. I just asked him a thought provoking question, “Who is going to look after you here in Sydney if you don’t want to follow us?”. He gave some thoughts to that question and finally relented.

Looking back, it is amazing to see how the young ones adopted themselves so well to a new country, new home and new culture. However, I do not want them to forget their roots, in other words, being Malaysians. Some of you may wonder how can one change so much especially when the migration to Australia has been less than a year. Well, you will be surprised. As an example, while on our way to Malacca ( a southern state in Peninsular Malaysia), I offered our youngest child some “rempeyek kacang” (a kind of deep fried peanut fritters). Any normal Malaysian would know what a “rempeyek kacang” is or at least has seen one. However, when this was offered to a 10 year old, he merely took a bite and said, “Hmmm.....this taste like nachos with peanuts”. When I heard that, I immediately realised that I need to bring this boy to Malaysia more often. Never in this world could I ever imagine someone equating “rempeyek kacang” to “nachos with peanuts”! Those of you who are familiar with Malay proverbs would know the saying, “jangan jadi seperti kacang lupakan kulit” (meaning in simple terms, do not forget your roots or when you came from). Well, I will make sure this “kacang” will not forget his “kulit”.

Here's wishing you a “nutty” day!

Setting goals and achieving them

You may have heard famous phrases like “You must have big dreams”, “Set your goals high” and “Dare to dream”. These phrases are meant to push us to give our best but when you look at the words carefully, the “dream” here tends to border “fantasy”. We must be careful when setting goals and objectives. For example, if we set our goals too low, there is no motivation to succeed in life. On the other hand, if we set our goals too high, it may affect our self esteem if we are not able to reach it. So, really, what we need is to be realistic by being honest with ourselves. Look at what we are capable of doing and to determine our own strong/unique traits that can help us. How can we do that? Well, we can either do a self analysis or ask people whom we have known for a long time and are familiar with our character. 

I remember when I was in primary school in Malaysia, our class teacher asked us to write about our ambition. In other words, what do we want to be when we grow up. As expected, many of us have big ambitions such as “UN Secretary General”, “police chief”, “top detective” and even “President of the United States”. Indeed, those were some our “dreams” but let us look at it realistically. For example, take “President of the United States”. The first step to be President of the United States is that you must be born in the United States and not naturalized. By having that requirement, all of my classmates in Malaysia at that time who have that “dream” got shot down. What about being the “UN Secretary General”? Well, that is attainable but not without challenges. So, how do we motivate ourselves? My view is to break down our ultimate goal into smaller parts or little goals. For example, if our ambition is to be the “UN Secretary General”, we need to conduct some research to chart our “route” to achieve that covet dream. In other words, what are the requirements and what does it take to become the UN Secretary General. Well, perhaps the first little goal would be to join the Foreign Service. So, we have to work on that first. Once, we achieve that little goal, it is time to have a small celebration as a form of gratitude and satisfaction that we have reached our small goal and on route towards our bigger goal. Then the next little goal would be to climb the ranks of the Foreign Service. Again, once we have achieved that, a smal celebration will be called for and time to achieve the next small goal. Perhaps, the next small goal is to head an international organization or a body that can help you to bring your ultimate goal closer.

Now, you may ask why do we need to set small goals? Well, for one - each time you achieved a small goal, it brings you great satisfaction and make you realized that you are closer to your bigger goal. Two, the experience you gained will set you in better footing in achieving your next goal and ultimately your bigger goal. Three, even in the future if you feel that you have a change of mind of what you want  to achieve ultimately, you can be assured that whatever you have learned will help you in your other ultimate goal. In other words, time is not wasted and it becomes a win-win situation in whichever direction you want to take. Also, it is important you reward yourself each time you achieve that small goal. It is a form of gratitude to yourself and satisfaction that will motivate you to move on to the next. So, make those little goals today and strive to achieve them one by one at your own pace and time.

Empathy with Action - my experience

In this post I will share with you a real story which happened to me in 2011. It not only involves a person having empathy but it also involves the person taking action based on that empathy. The action taken by the person is something that I will remember fondly for many years to come.

In 2011, my father undergone a major surgery at the Damansara Specialist Hospital in Petaling Jaya. At that time, I was practising law as a sole practitioner and I still vividly remember that when my father was admitted in the hospital, I had a matter fixed for appeal in High Court. Every few minutes during the hearing, I had to take a look at my mobile phone to see if there were any text messages from my wife who was with my father, my mum and my late aunt Ah Mai at that time. As many practicing lawyers in Malaysia would know that getting a postponement from the Court was a huge challenging task even for an urgent situation such as this. As soon as the hearing ended, I rushed out from the Court and raced to the hospital to be with my family. Even though, the opposing Counsel failed in his appeal but he was very gracious when he sent me a text message to wish me all the best and a quick recovery to my dad.

I got my then secretary, Michelle to inform the clients who called the office to inform that I will not be able to respond to them immediately but will get back to them as soon as I can. While in the hospital, I received a call on my mobile phone from an important client of mine who is a “Datuk” (a titled person in Malaysia or some people would equate the “Datukship” to a “knighthood” in the UK). The “Datuk” enquired about an important matter which I was handling for him at that time. I briefed him and he could sense that I wasn’t speaking in my usual tone. He asked if I am ok? I informed him about my father and he quickly informed me not to worry about his matter, that can wait. The “Datuk” asked me to look after my father and before ending the call, the “Datuk” informed which hospital was my father in and when I informed him, the “Datuk” quickly said goodbye and hung-up.

As many of us know, medical fees in private hospitals are very high and one will certainly feel the pinch if one does not have a medical insurance to help cover some of the costs. Let me say here that the “Datuk” was a long term client of mine but we hardly talked about our families, let alone my financial background. When the “Datuk” heard that my father was in a private hospital, I had a surprise when my secretary, Michelle called me the next day to inform that all the bills which were issued to the Datuk’s company, some as recent as a couple of days ago were paid by the “Datuk”. Apparently, he got the driver to drive all the way from his office (about an hour away) to hand deliver the cheque. Some of you say may asked what is the big deal about this since those are the bills that he needed to pay anyway? Well, the big deal here is that like in most big companies’ commercial practices, bill are normally paid at the end of the calendar month or sometimes may dragged up to a few months for payment to be processed. However, when the “Datuk” heard about my father’s condition and that my father was in a private hospital, he felt that I needed the money the cover the expenses for the hospital and medical, therefore, he empathized with me  and took immediate action to make all payments immediately. This may seem like a small matter to some people but to me it takes a bigger man to have  such gesture and that makes him a successful person he is today. Obviously, for privacy reasons, I can’t name the “Datuk” but he is a low profile and successful businessman and I can understand why his businesses are flourishing. 

The "Satay Method" - using simple train of words

I am reminded of a story about how a simple minded person used simple train of words to “con” a “satay” seller. “Satay” is a very popular dish in Malaysia. It is similar to kebab with condiments such as onions and cucumbers served with peanut sauce. I was told that the quality of the peanut sauce is the main contributor in determining whether the “satay” is tasty or otherwise. Even without the “satay”, by just dipping the onions and cucumbers into the sauce would make a satisfying meal. The condiments are usually served without additional charge with the “satay”.

In those days, the best “satay” could be found in the “kampungs” (small villages). There was a guy by the name of Aziz who loves “satay”. Aziz was a simple person who lived in the kampung. One day Aziz was yearning for some good “satay”, so he ventured into the best “satay” stall in the village. The following conversation took place between Aziz and the “satay” seller:-

Aziz:                   How much is a stick of “satay”?
“Satay” seller:    Sixty cents
Aziz:                  How about “Kuah” (peanut sauce)?
“Satay” seller:   Free
Aziz:                 How about the cucumbers?
“Satay” seller:   Free
Aziz:                 Onions?
“Satay” seller:   Free
Aziz:                Well, in that case, I will just have the “Kuah”, cucumbers and onions!

Naturally, the “Satay” seller was caught by his own words when he offered the “kuah” and the condiments free of charge. You can see that it is so easy to go with the flow when a certain pattern or train of words are used. By the time the person realized it, the person was already trapped by his own words or  made a commitment without realizing it. This is a common method used by litigation lawyers when cross examining witnesses. The technique is to confine the questions to a “yes” or “no” answer or to get the witness to reply with a short answer and to throw the questions in a rapid pace without allowing the witness to ponder the questions for too long. The litigation lawyer will initially start with a simple question and when the litigation lawyer sees that the witness is becoming comfortable or over confident, he starts shooting rapid questions and before you know it the witness would probably get caught by his own words on some of the subsequent questions. The witness will then need to wait for his lawyer to re-examine him to correct any “mistakes” that he might have made during the cross-examination. This is a technique that one should be cautions of as it sometimes mess up our line of thoughts and put us in a vulnerable position.  

A Love Story that touches one's heart

Recently, a friend from Hong Kong posted on her Facebook a story about how a guy was in love with a girl in high school but never had the guts to tell her. He helped her in school with her studies and even accompanied her to the high school prom when her date stood up on her. They were best of friends and were always looking out for each other. He was very attracted to her but dare not tell her about it as he feared being rejected by her. He was afraid that not only will she reject him, there was also a possibility that she would not want him to be her friend.

When they left high school, they continued their education in the university. Again, they were best of friends and were often helping each other out. After graduating from university, they parted ways but called on each other often when they needed help or just merely to catch up. All the while, the guy was so in love with the girl but could not bring himself to express his love to the girl for fear of being rejected. When the girl got married, the guy was heartbroken but nevertheless attended the wedding and put on a brave big smile. When the girl gave birth to her first child, she wanted the guy to be the son’s godfather which he  agreed.

As time went by, the girl fell sick and subsequently died. When the guy attended the funeral, they decided to read certain entries from her diary which were dated back to her high school days. The guy was shocked when he learned that in all these years, the girl too had strong feelings for him and was waiting for him to ask her to be his girlfriend and hopefully to be  his wife one day but unfortunately the guy never did. She wrote perhaps he was never interested in being more than a friend to her and she expressed how sad and disappointed she was but accepted that as fate. The guy was extremely heartbroken when he heard those entries being read. If only he took the risk and declared his love but alas that never happened.

The above story reminded me of a true love story involving a friend of mine that happened many years ago. In order to protect the person’s identity, let me call this person as John. I know John through my brother when John was still studying in high school (secondary school). John is the kind of guy that any parents would be proud to have as a son-in-law. John is a gentle, responsible, sincere and a  polite guy. When I was living in Los Angeles, I used to call him in Ohio where he was studying and I enjoyed the many hours of conversation with him. After I left LA, I lost touch with John and have not heard from him ever since. I did asked my brother about John and he too was curious of whatever came of him. A couple of years ago, my brother got news about John.

The story related to me about John was strikingly similar to the above story except no one dies here (thank God!). Like the earlier story, John was in love with a girl whom we shall call as Mary. John knew Mary ever since they were in high school. As luck had it, John and Mary went to the same university in Ohio. When living in a foreign country, John and Mary who were not proficient in English at that time supported each other while in Ohio. John was very much in love with Mary but had never expressed his feelings to Mary for fear of being rejected or worse being dumped as a friend by Mary. Subsequently Mary graduated from the university and returned to Malaysia while John stayed on to complete his postgraduate studies.

John and Mary continued to keep in touch but not as often as before due to hectic schedule and work from both sides. One day, a mutual friend contacted John in Ohio to inform him that Mary was getting married. John was heartbroken and immediately called Mary in Malaysia. It was only at this time that John confessed his love for Mary. When Mary heard John’s confession, she broke down and cried. Mary too, confessed that she was in love with John but she thought that John did not have  feelings for her as John had never expressed his feelings except for being a good friend. Mary told John that she had already accepted the wedding proposal from the boy and everything have been agreed and arranged by both families including the wedding reception. Mary told John that he has to move on and forget about her. Naturally, John was disappointed and never got over his untold love for Mary. After John completed his postgraduate studies, John returned to Malaysia and subsequently found solace in religion in the form of Buddhism. John became a monk. I wish to inform the readers that this is a true story, though it may have sounded like a romance novel but real lives were involved here. I suppose what we can take from this story is that if you really love someone, say it to the person and don’t wait for the right time because the right time is what you make of it and not one that drops on you.

Don't be lazy, say it in full! - Part III

This is the final installment relating to the above. This final story is rather an unfortunate story relating to miscommunication. Many years ago, some of you may remember a tragic accident where a passenger airplane crashed resulting everyone on board perished. When the black box was retrieved, the investigators found that the accident happened due to miscommunication between the Air Traffic Control and the pilot.

Apparently what happened was that when the Air Traffic Control was guiding the aircraft on its approach to the airport, they gave instructions to the pilot to descend the aircraft. The instruction given to the pilot was “to descend aircraft from 10,000 feet to 2 500 feet”. Do you see where the miscommunication here? The pilot heard the instruction as “to descend the flight to (2) 500 feet” whereas what the Air Traffic Control meant was to have the aircraft descend to 2,500 feet (two thousand five hundred feet). As you probably guess, by descending the flight to 500 feet, the aircraft crashed into a hill amidst in darkness. What happened here was that the Air Traffic Control used “short cut” language. Instead of saying “two thousand five hundred feet”, the Traffic Control said “two five hundred” where “two” was misinterpreted as “to”. From then onwards, all traffic controllers are now required to say the numbers in full and no short-cut. So, again, don’t be lazy, say it in full!

Don't be lazy, say it in full! - Part II

 

Here is my second real story relating to the above. Last week, I was looking for a locksmith to duplicate an additional key for my car. In case you are wondering, I am driving a Citroen C4 Picasso and this is one of those cars where it has a unique looking key that needs to be initialized before you can start the ignition. Like everything else in Sydney, the cost for duplicating the key is really high. I was faced with a dilemma. Not every key-maker can duplicate the key and even if they can, they are charging a bomb.

I finally found a key-maker who is a well established locksmith in Chatswood. When I asked the person whether he can duplicate the key, he took the key and ran through a few tests with the key using a machine. After that, he checked the catalogue and said he can do it but I need to bring in the car in as he needed the car for at least an hour or so. I asked him, how much would it cost? He said “One forty”. I then asked, “How about for two?”. He replied “Two eighty”.  It didn’t strike me then, but looking back, if I am a literal person, I would think one key is for forty dollars and for two, well, eighty dollars. Apparently, that would probably be what the person was saying according to a literal person.

To avoid this kind of confusion, what do you think the person should have said? Well, the person should have said it in full, “One hundred and forty dollars” rather than “One forty”. What created even more confusion was that for 2 keys, it will indeed be two hundred and eighty dollars or as the person said, “Two eighty”. If the key is for fifty dollars each, the literal person would know straightaway the actual amount as 2 keys will be one hundred dollars and there is no other way to say it except that. Therefore, like stated earlier, there should be no “short-cut” language, so “don’t be lazy, say it in full!”.

Don't be lazy, say it in full! - Part I

The title says it all. My apologies if I reminded you of your teacher in school but have you ever wonder why miscommunication happens or why our messages never got conveyed the way we want it to be conveyed? One of the major reason is because we tend to use “short-cut” language. For example, when we invite someone for lunch, some of us will use “short-cut” language by looking and simply saying to the person, “lunch?” or we could make a full sentence by saying, ‘Do you like to join me for lunch?”. If the person is a literal person, he will probably be scratching his head and thinking to himself whether you are expecting him to invite you for lunch or whether you are asking him whether there is lunch available in the premises or whether you want him to join you for lunch?

A former colleague of mine who is from the Netherlands informed me that when he first came to Malaysia, he was extremely puzzled with Malaysians. He said to me that Malaysians are curious and strange people. His Malaysian colleagues would often asked him “Have you taken your lunch?” or “Have you eaten?” but never once invited him to join them for lunch. He finds this rather puzzling as to why they want to know whether he had eaten lunch when they have no intention of inviting him at all. As we all know, Malaysians are friendly and polite people. When Malaysians asked a question of such nature, more often than not, we do not expect an answer. It is just out of sheer politeness. When I informed this to my Dutch friend, he just scratched his head and still couldn’t get it. He also came to understand this culturally thing after his first year living in Kuala Lumpur. So, in order not to confuse our foreign friends, “Don’t be lazy, speak in full sentence!”

Negotiation and Communication Skills Workshop (24th April 2013) -Special Discount for readers of this blog!

Hello everyone! I will be visiting KL from 12th April until the 26th April 2013. I hope to catch up with as many of you as possible during that 2 weeks. During this visit, I will be conducting a workshop called "Negotiation & Communication Skills Workshop" at the Renaissance Hotel on the 24th April 2013. The organiser of this event is Crimson Logic. I understand from the organiser that there are still a few spaces left. In this workshop, I will be sharing with you some of the techniques in creating instant rapport. This is a practical interactive workshop. There will be role plays and exercises to allow you to attempt these new skills. I hope to see you in the Workshop. The organiser has very kindly agreed to give a discount of 15% if you mentioned that you heard about it through this blog! See you in KL and hopefully I will see you in the workshop! Cheers

Achieving your goal - one step at a time (The Everest example)

I am rather fortunate to live close to the shopping malls and the CBD. As a matter of fact, it would just take me about 8 minutes to get there. However, since the place where I am staying is rather hilly, it is quite a challenge to climb the rather steep slope. Each time when I looked up, I would feel aches in my legs and my breathing will become faster. In other words, I was already tired before I make that climb.

One day, it occurred to me that this is more psychological than physical. I was reminded of an interview with one of the mountaineers that climbed Mount Everest. When asked whether he felt tired and exhausted before reaching the top, he said, “Most definitely. However it is more of thinking how am I going to reach the top rather than the actual climb itself that made me exhausted”. So, what did the mountaineer do? He decided to take one step at a time. He focused his thoughts and concentration on every step he take without looking up.  He avoided looking at the peak. Because whenever he looked at the peak, he will start feeling tired and it looks like it is going to take him forever to reach the peak. So, with that philosophy in mind, I did just that. I looked at the path leading up to the top of the slope. I focused my thoughts on every step I take and avoided looking up. Suddenly it felt that the climb was easy and comfortable. I suppose this has got to do with how we live our life. We focus on what we have today and slowly make that climb towards our ultimate goal.

A story from "Earth Hour"

Yesterday (23rd March 2013), we had “black-out” from 8.30pm to 9.30pm in most parts of Sydney in conjunction with Earth Hour. I am sure you will be experiencing the same in whichever part of the world you are in. I remembered some years ago, when our daughter, Ashley was just seven years old, she came home from school all excited about Earth Hour. She insisted that we must have the one hour “black out” in our home in Kuala Lumpur. Her teacher told the class that this will save the environment and drive a strong environmental message to the world. I must say I was pretty naive at that time. I have not heard of Earth Hour as it was still new at that time (though, I have heard of the Earth Song by Michael Jackson!), so I asked Ashley what is Earth Hour? Ashley replied that Earth Hour means that we have to off all the lights for an hour to save electricity and the environment. I asked her where did she hear about it. She replied that she heard from her teacher and everyone in her class is going to do it.

After hearing our little girl, Jennifer and I decided that we should adhere to our little princess’ wish and we will have a total electricity cut off in our home from 8.30pm to 9.30pm on 23rd March 2008. We were all in one bedroom as our young kids slept with us. As soon as the clock struck 8.30pm, we switched off all the lights and we could see how excited our little girl was. However, as soon as I switched off the air-conditioner, I could hear groaning of displeasure and disappointment. Our daughter started to complain why on Earth did I switched off the air-conditioner, as it was really hot.  I told her that the air-conditioner consumed a lot of electricity and power, in fact more than all the lights that we have in our bedroom. Our little daughter said the teacher said we should switched off all the lights but the teacher did not mention about air-conditioners. Well, after our little girl stated her case and argument, we decided to come to a compromise (Mediation comes into play!). We have agreed that all the lights will be off but the air-conditioner will remain on - in other words, we will “suffer in comfort”.

What made this conversation with my daughter interesting is that young children tend to take information and instructions literally. One needs to be very careful when disseminating information or instructions. A young mind tends to absorb a lot of information and because their learning power is greater than an adult, they tend to take things in a literal sense. So when a person jokes in front of a child, just make sure that the child knows that it wasn’t meant to be serious and it was just made in good decent fun. Meanwhile, happy Earth Hour everybody

Learning to adapt (moving out from comfort zone)

In my previous post, I wrote about stepping out of the comfort zone and learning to adapt to new environment. In this post, I am going to share with you two contrasting true stories about how two different people adapting themselves to a new culture in a new country.

True story No. 1

I have a friend by the name of Julian who was sent by his company to work in Germany for three years. Julian is a person who is rather conservative and refuses to move out from his comfort zone. He would prefer to stick with people he knows rather than mixing with new ones. Therefore, it was no surprise that he brought a huge load of things from Malaysia when he moved to Germany to start his life there for the next three years. He wanted to have familiar things around him and he was not prepared to experience and try out something different.

Julian returned to Malaysia for three weeks (annual home leave) at the end of every year. In one of his trips back to Malaysia, I asked him whether he is enjoying himself in Germany? He replied rather negatively. He replied that he didn’t like the weather, the food tasted strange, people don’t speak English and they are rather cold and unfriendly. When I heard all of his whining, I began to have pity on him. I gave him some words of comfort by saying that before he knows it, he will be back in Malaysia for good in no time. Even though, I felt pity for Julian but I can’t help but to think this negativity was self inflicted and nothing to do with the country that he was living in.

True story No. 2

Some of you may have heard about one of Malaysian football legends by the name of Lim Teong Kim. Lim Teong Kim was the first Malaysian footballer to play in Europe for a German club called Hertha BSC Berlin. Lim Teong Kim later on returned to Malaysia and then went to back to Germany for good and eventually became the Assistant Coach with the Bayern Munich Under-19 Team. Lim Teong Kim learned the German language, ate German food and adapted himself very well to the German culture. In other words, he settled into the new environment very comfortably. Lim Teong Kim even married a German lady and has three children with her. In one of the interviews with the Malaysian newspaper, the reporter asked Lim Teong Kim whether he will return to Malaysia one day. In his answer, Lim Teong Kim seem to infer that he is rather comfortable in Germany and moving back to Malaysia may not be in the cards in the near future.

We can see from the two stories, there is a great contrast between how Julian and Lim Teong Kim adapted themselves in Germany. Let’s look at how Julian handled himself in Germany. He complained that he didn’t like the weather. Well, I guess, coming from a country like a Malaysia where the weather is warm and humid all year round, you can’t expect the same in Europe. Julian’s second complaint about how he didn’t like German food. Well, again, you do not expect to find “nasi lemak” or “char kway teow” readily available in a foreign country. Thirdly, people don’t speak English and are cold and unfriendly. Again, like the saying goes, “when you are in Rome, do what Romans do”. When a person is in Germany and the person wants to communicate then the person needs to learn German rather than having the Germans learn your language. If they can't communicate with you, the perception you get will be that they are cold and unfriendly. If you look at Lim Teong Kim, he didn’t have any complaint because he knew that in order for him to settle down, he needed to move out from his comfort zone and to adapt himself to the new environment rather than having the new environment adapting to him.

One of the ways to adapt yourself to a new environment is to have an open mind and not to have any expectation. The only boundary that one should take note is that as long as the new environment does not go against your belief or principle, then you should adapt yourself into the new environment and let nature takes its course.

Moving away from your "comfort zone"

Whenever someone moves to a new country, the person tends to bring a lot of things from the home country. The main reason is to have a sense of familiarity and to avoid being homesick. Some people would bring their favourite food (subject to Customs and Quarantine's clearance), their favourite pillow, their favourite ornament(s) and of course, photos to remind them of their former home. The question is does it help to have familiar things around you when you are suppose to settle in by adjusting to your new life in a new country?

There are two school of thoughts on this issue. One says that it is good to have things that you are comfortable and familiar with to be around you. In other words, it will be easier for you to settle into the new country as you will not miss your former homeland too much. The second school of thought says it is not a good idea. By having familiar things around you, you will be put into your comfort zone. Once you are too comfortable, you will find it challenging to move out of that zone. If you don’t move out from that zone, you can’t move on with you life. In other words, you are not able to adapt yourself to the new country and to the new culture. You will always tend to stick with people from your home country and miss out on a lot of important things around you that you are too blinded to see.

If you are put under the circumstances of moving to a new country, which school of thought would you say that you fall under? As for me, when moving to Sydney, I brought only the essential things such as books that I will need, pots and pans, a piano and things which I need but can’t find or just too expensive in Sydney. As for food, I brought only enough to satisfy my taste bud in the event that I miss the spicy stuff. You see, before I left Malaysia, I was more inclined to follow the first school of thought. When I arrived in Australia, I began to realise that I will not be able to settle in if I hold on to my comfort zone and not move out of it. For who knows, I might actually like what is outside of my comfort zone. I also realised that I will not be able to fit into the society here in Sydney if I hold on to what I am comfortable with back in Malaysia. So, the key here is learning to adapt and keep an open mind. The second key is to observe your surrounding. Observe by watching and listening to the local people around you. Your visual and auditory skills are important here. This is to place you into their system of doing things -ie: what is acceptable and how to get things done effectively in this new environment. Once you get into the system in which the society functions in your new environment, you will find your comfort zone start expanding and that is a good thing. I am still learning and will share new things along the way with you. Until then........

I am back with some stories to share!

Hello everyone! I am back. I do apologise for the two months absence as I have been rather busy moving and settling down in Sydney. We arrived in Sydney on 16th January 2013 and fortunately for us, our things in the forty foot (40 ft) container were ready for delivery to our doorstep a few days after that. With all the unpacking, organising and getting our affairs in order and before you know it, two months have passed since I last posted. This time our stay in Sydney will be different from our previous stay (note that I use “stay” rather than “visit”) because this time it will be permanent or long term. It is no longer a “visit”. Even though we will be visiting KL in April for two weeks but our base or home is now in Sydney.

Moving to a new country is a real experience for me. As my friend, Catherine Eu said to me before I left Malaysia, “When you arrived in Sydney, you may find things will be different and you may find the house rather empty BUT once your things from Malaysia have arrived and surrounded with familiar things, your house will become a home”. I must say, Catherine’s words have a lot of truth in them. Before our things arrived, the house did indeed feel “empty” and “cold”. However, when the things from Malaysia arrived, my family and I got really excited. A sudden rush of warmth, happiness and excitement filled the house. For example, when we saw our family piano from  KL was pushed through the door, we just couldn’t believe our eyes that our piano has travelled thousand of miles and a sense of familiarity returned to us. For me, it was my office high back mesh chair, the white board and the table which I have used every single day in the KL office that brought me familiarity. Besides that, I had my pigeon hole shelf with stickers such as “Praecipe”, “Borang 14 A”, “CKHT” (these are forms from the Court and land office) still sticking on it that gave me the feeling as if I was back in my office in KL. Now I understand how a child feels whenever the child carries that familiar worn out doll with him or her wherever the child goes. It is the sense of security and familiarity that make a person comfortable. It is true that a person wants to be in his or her comfort zone all the time. However, there are disadvantages as well which I will talk about in my next post.

Stories on Reframing (Part 1)

Some of you have asked me for some stories on “reframing”. Well, I thought I will start off 2013 by relating some true experiences using reframing:-

Story No. 1 - Salesman using “reframing”  to sell his product

My schoolmate, Yip Chee Seng informed me that three months ago, he received a call from a salesman who wanted to sell him a subscription for cable television channels. The salesman informed Yip that if Yip subscribed for 24 months of cable service, he will receive the decoder for free. Yip told the salesman he wasn’t interested as he has already an existing subscription. The salesman tried to persuade him but to no avail. Three months after that phone call, Yip received another call from the salesman.  This time the salesman started out by saying, “Congratulations, Mr Yip! You have won a decoder for FREE!!!” Initially, Yip was excited as he had never won anything before. After a while, reality sank in and somehow the voice sounded familiar. Yip asked the salesman, “Wait a minute, the decoder is free?” The salesman replied, “Absolutely! There is no charge at all”. Yip then asked, “But I need to subscribe for 24 months?” The salesman quietly replied, “Yes”. Yip asked, “How is this different from the offer you gave me 3 months ago?” The salesman went absolutely quiet. The conversation ended there.

What can we learn from the above? Did the salesman reframe correctly? Well, I think he did. Did the salesman get a desired result? Well, the answer is “No”. Yip was put off. Firstly, Yip felt that he had being misled. Yip felt that the salesman wanted to play a fast one on him. Even though the reframing was done correctly but it was not done appropriately. What the salesman should have done was that he should have dropped the first call he made to Yip and started out by saying by “Congratulations, Mr Yip! You have won a decoder for FREE!” You see, by dropping the first phone call and making the second one, Yip would not have been alerted about the salesman’s real intention. By making the first phone call, Yip was already on guard and very much alert on the salesman’s intention. Of course, ultimately, it would be up to Yip to decide if wants to accept the offer or not.

Story No. 2 - Reframing by inserting “positive pressure”

A few years ago, I was involved with a non-profit organisation. The organisation wanted to raise funds by selling dinner tickets. For some reason, the tickets were selling rather slowly. Almost all the volunteers including me were pretty lacking when it came to selling stuff. We were pretty straight forward when we approached our potential “purchasers”. Many of them were too polite to say “no”. They would make excuses such as “let me think about it” or “I need to ask my spouse first”, etc. Then one of our members by the name of Allan came and joined us. Allan was a seasoned salesman. He is a successful businessman selling office equipments and stationaries. I told Allan about our uphill challenge in selling the tickets. Allan said, “No problem. Come with me and you will learn”.

Allan made an appointment to see a mutual friend of ours. This mutual friend of ours was a thrifty guy and in my heart, I was saying to Allan, “Good luck in dealing with him, buddy”. Allan and I went to see this friend of ours. Allan started out by telling this friend about the reason for the charity dinner and the purpose of the organisation. Well, no big deal there. I have done exactly the same thing. Then Allan asked our friend whether he would be interested in purchasing the tickets. As expected, our mutual friend replied, “I need to check with my wife first whether we have plans for that evening. I also need to check my diary and blah, blah, blah”. I looked at Allan’s body language and facial expression. Not once did Allan showed any disappointment or was he disheartened. I could see Allan was rather emphatic with our mutual friend. Allan was nodding his head in agreement with our friend indicating he agreed and understood our friend’s predicament. Allan did not interrupt our friend when he gave his reasons about not purchasing the tickets. After our mutual had finished his speech, Allan simply said, “There are only 2 tickets left. I thought you would like to have it before I sell it to other people”. Suddenly, our mutual friend reached for his wallet and bought the tickets immediately. Instead of asking our mutual friend whether he wants to purchase the tickets, Allan reframed his statement and intention by limiting our mutual friend’s options. When you have so few options, it is quite easy to decide, isn’t it?

It is interesting how a human being acts and reacts. When a person is put under pressure, suddenly the person is able to make quick decision. A lot of times, we tend to take things for granted. We think that the person or the thing will always be there when we need it. A perfect example was something that happened to me recently. I was procrastinating about packing my personal items for relocation to Sydney. I had a lot of things on my mind such as what to pack and which items I should store in KL. That was just that - merely thinking and thinking but no physical action on my part as I am just merely procrastinating. To me, it felt like I still have got a lot of time in my hands. When we finally appointed an International Movers to ship our things to Sydney, it dawned on me that the actual duration was pretty restricted. The Movers gave us just one week to get everything identified and packed. It would have been easy if it was just one place but we had three places to pack and move! When it came to making decision on what to take and what to discard, suddenly I found courage and became decisive. I disposed a lot of stuff which under normal circumstances, I would not have thrown away. I read that humans tend to make rational decisions when under pressure. Perhaps, Allan could have read that when he used his reframing and positive pressure on our mutual friend!

Happy New Year 2013!

Happy New Year 2013! I hope everyone had a wonderful time last night celebrating and ushering the new year. As for me and my family, we had leftovers for dinner in the house. We didn’t want to go out as the streets will be too crowded plus finding a parking space in the City would be a real challenge. Besides that, my schoolmate, CS Yip was over at my place with his workmen doing some work. Since it was getting to dinner time, I suggested to Yip to get some takeaway food for his workmen.

We decided to take a short drive to The Mall which is a stone throwaway from our Condominium in Kuala Lumpur. As some of you who are staying in KL will know, The Mall will be closing down soon for massive renovation. Even though there were still retailers and shops operating in the Mall but the place was unusually quiet, especially on a New Year eve. We got some chicken rice for the workmen and made our way back to the Condominium. After Yip and his workmen left our place, Jennifer and I did some massive cleaning - mopping and sweeping the floor. By the time we finished, it was almost 10.30pm. All of us went to bed at 11.00pm. We heard the fireworks but were just too tired to wake up to have a peep. Turning back the clock, I remembered how excited I got whenever New Year eve comes around but as I grow older, it just became another day in my life. A positive day I might add as a lot was accomplished on 31st December 2012. Finally, I wish all of you a healthy, productive and a wonderful 2013!